Angela is posting questions arriving anonymously from readers along with her answers. Please share your advice with these women, too! :)

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Q. My son is so angry about the divorce that he won't speak to me. What should I do?

A. Download the free version of the book and read the chapter titled "When Daddy Tells Lies About Mommy (and vice-versa). I went through the same experience and it was resolved in only one hour in the therapist's office. :)

See: http://www.angelahoy.com/book/free.html

This could be MY question because it's exactly my situation. My son is 16 and since April 2002, when I left his father, he refuses to speak to me. He's only "allowed" us to speak on a deeper level once in August 2002, and that apparently did no good. After trying many different approaches, I've finally backed off completely and accepted that there is NOTHING I can do to change a thing. Other than be patient and wait. But it's so painful at times. I missed his entire sophomore year and now will likely not be a part of his junior year either. It's hard, but I had to leave the marriage. I have found and experienced peace within myself that I never knew was possible.
SherylSR
Texas

but know that you WILL get past it, and so will your son. Keep the lines of communication open. When I divorced my husband, my daughter stopped speaking to him, but I insisted that she spend time with him regardless of her feelings. It was hard, sometimes, to deal with the guilt, but it can be managed. Now that she's all grown up (she's 25 -- I got divorced when she was 8), she and her dad have a good relationship, but it took a lot of phone calls with no one talking on this end and a lot of visits during which she locked herself in her room to get to this point.

If you can, get into counseling with your son. It will help tremendously for him to be able to ventilate his feelings with a neutral party in attendance.

I don't have that kind of support from my former husband, as you might guess. Counseling is out of the question too, since Former Husband won't encourage that either. As you say, though, this will pass, and my son someday will set aside everything and return.

My daughter (she's 12) lives with me, and she is totally different. She's handled everything quite well and though she knows some of the truth about her father, still loves and accepts him. Which is the way it should be.

I'll hang in there!

I didn't mean to suggest that I had support from my ex. Everything I got from him was like pulling teeth! I settled for no child support, no alimony AND joint custody, which stank! He stopped coming to get her almost as soon as the decree was final. I wound up spending years as a referee! I couldn't talk to him, so I wrote him letters, keeping copies of each in case I needed to take him back to court.

The same-sex child will always be easier, which is why I'm approaching this from the perspective of my ex. HE's the one to whom she wouldn't speak, and he's the one who spent time talking to an empty phone line, just as you may well wind up doing But kids hear what you say even when they're pretending they don't. When I finally got him to stop fussing and just CALL her and sit there on the phone in silence, her attitude changes subtly. He's still ungrateful, but she knows what I did made a difference. Since you're the one being cut off, you will need to grit your teeth and make sure you maintain contact. Write your son letters if you have to! I've spent my whole adult life with teens -- mostly troubled ones -- in my job as a special ed teacher. Kids DO HEAR us. Keep talking. He'll give in eventually.

Hi everyone! My son was only 5 when his father and I divorced. He has always had a difficult time and since we live close to one another (same school district), my son felt that he could go back and forth between homes. I did not encourage this and it was always a struggle for me. Finally last year my son who is now 15 chose to move in with his father again. I had the courts switch over physical custody since we have joint custody and I mandated his last year of religious education and counseling. My son would not speak to me for four months. I tried to talk to him for a couple of months and he wouldn't even take my phone calls. Finally, after a couple of months of not calling him, I gave it another shot and he was responsive. I explained to him that I loved him no matter what and that when he was ready to come to visit or just wanted to call me to tell me about his day that I would be there for him. He started visiting again and is pretty regular about his visits now. I realized that at his age his father is very important to him. I have had to give up my controlling issues within his life and now I have become the "good time weekend parent". It's not so bad. We are closer now and he loves to chat about his relationships. Good Luck! Denise

Sheryl,
Remember that as long as you have a child with an ex you and your ex will have to some what deal with eachother. Don't force anything, let it proceed on its own. I'm not saying don't call, or visit. I'm saying don't force it. Most parents get frustrated, start bad mouthing the other parent, blaming them for the fault. In most cases it is the child trying to figure out what is happening. I know because I recently have gone through this. I am a divorce with a 14 year old. I remarried when my son was only 4. I thought this would be easy, however when I had a child with my new husband, his dad decided to say things. Instead of playing dads game, I went another way. Only 5 years later did I finally reach my son. His dad stated that his step brother meant nothing to him, that his stepdad was nothing. I would just say that what he was told was incorrect and that he needed to see what the truth was. He still respects and loves his dad, but he also loves his step dad and his brother is his pride. Our relationship as well has become stronger, because I did not force, nor did I say negative things about his dad no matter how much of a dead beat he is.

Let me just say that kids are smarter than we give them credit for, it just may take a while to realize that. My daughters finally saw through the lies of my ex-wife, her mother and her aunt. Patience is the watch word. True, it did take seven years but the wait was worth it, they now come to me for advice when in need. Amazing, the older they get, the smarter the parent(s) become.
While I may not be the smartest man in the universe (far from it, I'm still learning), I was raised to respect women at all times (I've since added, until they prove otherwise) and never lay a hand on them in anger, no matter what. Self-defense is the only exception. If I ever hit a woman in anger, my mother would come back from the grave and haul my butt out to the wood shed in short order and I wouldn't be able to sit down for a month, if then.
Young kids are still developing and maturing emotionally at that age and are often at odds on how to feel and react in a stressful situation, such as a divorce. It helps to put yourself in their shoes and realize how they feel. Are they to blame for the breakup? Is there anything they can do to help? Do they want to help and correct the situation? Or do they want to sit on the sidelines and play one parent against the other? << Something that must be watched for.
I'm not here to take the man's side or show how we've been wronged also (I did ask Angela's permission beforehand). I can bring a unique perspective to this forum by listening and offering advice (when asked) on a subject. After three marriages, and three divorces, I would like to think I've learned something, even if it was the hard way. I've also been a friend-in-need to several female friends who went through rather nasty divorces and were trying to understand just what their abusive husbands were thinking. I can help a little on that but not being abusive, either physically or mentally, I can be at a loss as to answer. Sorry ladies, I'm only human.
On the other hand, I can understand if you're reluctant to communicate with me, afterall, I am a symbol of your problems but understand I'm not the cause. I'm the Good Guy in the white hat.

I haven't been here in a while. Nothing has changed on my front....my 16-year-old son still refuses to speak to me and it's been a year and a half. I realize I can't force anything but it just gets so frustrating. I miss him greatly. I've concluded that his father is behind much of our estrangement (sorry, LoneRanger). My son refuses to believe and face the truth about who his father really is. And I accept that because it took me years to believe and face the truth myself. It's always easier to let things slide! Making the decision to divorce was extremely painful, frightening and draining. My son (who lives with his father) has to reach that point too where enough is enough.

If another mother in the same situation would like to write and share her frustrations, please do so: sherylsr@moment.net.

children both want to be responsible and at the same time resist changes in thier lives- so very often they take sides- and parrents may often have already made the mistake of "confiding in" thier children and that invites then to become involved with the issues that they have no business in the reasons kisd do what they do is endless- You need to be both watchfull and proactive in a way that cannot control your kids- some of that may be having wisdom to know what to say and when to say it or when it is better to keep quiet. The reality is that most kids will realize that the need 2 parrents.

Have you tried writing letters or sending cards to your son?

I've found, when at an impasse with my teenager, writing a letter to him really opens up the lines of communication. It may take awhile, but using written words instead of verbal ones may take away some of the tension.

Well, there really IS no update. My son, Patrick, still refuses to speak to me. I tried approaching him where he works about 10 weeks ago and that did no good. So I've backed off completely and am leaving it up to him. I've tried emails (his father told me last December that Patrick was blocking those), letters, calls....EVERYTHING. So now I'm going to let time and God handle it. My son knows I love him. I'm pretty sure he's still blaming me for the divorce and believes I turned his father into the authorities for drug use (which I did not). He only hears what his father tells him so it does me no good to say anything any more.

This is not forever. I know that. What they say is true, though -- that which does not kill you makes you stronger. Happy holidays to eveyone.

Check out the book Divorce Poison. My kids are so confused still after over 2 years.

I just wanted to post an update all these years later. My son, now 23, and I began healing our relationship in Dec. 2004, right before he graduated from high school in May 05. He's since graduated from college and gotten a job as a civil engineer with a Texas city. We are closer than ever (don't ask about his younger sister and me).

Last year, three hurting mothers wrote me because they read my old post here. I just wanted to let anyone else know that they can contact me as well if they find themselves in a similar situation. I KNOW that's what I really longed for back then...someone else who really understood the deep pain of being separated from an angry child because of a divorce. Please email me!

Don't be alone! Share your hurts.

Blessings to all,
sherylsr

P.S. Today is my son's 23rd birthday!!

More than nine years have passed since my first marriage ended and my teenaged son stopped talking to me. During those painful times, I came here and posted my hurt (above). I was searching for support and encouragement. I made subsequent posts, as you can read. Patrick and I are closer than ever, and he's now engaged to a lovely young woman (whom I sorta set him up with).

In the meantime, in November 2010, I had an article published in Guideposts about our separation, "A Mother's Thankful Prayers." Those three hurting mothers (mentioned above) who contacted me after finding my address here inspired me to write it. Following that publication, I decided to start a blog, "Broken Bonds, Healing Hearts," which has become a ministry of sorts. Yesterday, two hurting mothers wrote me with similar heartaches: they may not get tickets to their sons' high school graduation! (One IS getting a ticket, though, through a friend.) That's a LOT of pain!!

I've returned for yet another update to provide my new email address and links to the sources I've mentioned.

Thank you!!

With love,
sheryl sr
Texas
sherylsr@ymail.com

"A Mother's Thankful Prayers," http://www.guideposts.org/prayer/mother ... onnect-son

"Broken Bonds, Healing Hearts," http://www.brokenbondshealinghearts.blogspot.com