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PostPosted: August 6th, 2003, 11:33 am 
[b]I recently marked the six-year anniversary of my custody battle. I have learned vital lessons that I want to share with all parents.[/b]

Divorce yourself emotionally from your former spouse.

Mind your own business. Their life is no longer married to yours.

Our children are not to be fought over like property. Children are not property, and parents do not own them.

The issue is not custody. It is loving the children, sharing parental responsibility for their physical needs, and maintaining open communication between the parents for the sake of the children.

If you file a custody suit out of bitterness, or to get personal revenge, or to avoid sharing parental responsibility with open communication, you commit a crime against your children.

No matter how much you may despise your former spouse, your children are as much a part of their other parent as they are of you.

No matter how much you may dread sharing open, healthy communication with your former spouse, you must do it to provide a role model of healthy adult communication for your children; they will need this vital resource when they become adults.

Psychologically healthy divorced parents show courtesy and respect to each other. Their children then internalize the message that they are respected. Through open dialogue with each other, parents teach their children to speak their truth rather than sacrifice it to please one parent or blame the other. Such parents give their children an invaluable gift.

When parents stop blaming and start to look within, they take personal responsibility for their thoughts, feelings, and actions. The parents heal their issues, and their children are spared great pain.

I ask you, if you are a parent, to look to the source of your pain. It is not with your former spouse. It is within you. Look closely at the areas you vehemently guard. If you don't want open communication, do it anyway. Your children need to learn how to communicate.

If you don't want to pay child support, pay it anyway. Your children are entitled to be raised with the financial resources of both parents. They deserve the best life they can possibly have.

Do everything you do not want to do. Do it for your children. If you do, your children will be by your side in your old age. If you do not, you will find yourself alone when you are old.

Many laws have changed in the last thirty-five years: child support enforcement laws and custody regulations. But the courts cannot enforce healthy, open communication between the parents. And the courts cannot impose on us the one thing that will make all the difference for each of us. It comes from the inside. It is love.

Love and heal your self. Love and honor your children. Then and only then will you and your children know peace.


If your former spouse is not fulfilling their court ordered obligations, let it go. Stop trying to enforce what they are not willing to adhere to. You have no control over them.

Focus on being the best parent to your child when you are with them.

Never speak negatively about the other parent, show the other parent disrespect in front of the children, or cause the children to feel they should take sides.

Allow the children their birthright to express love to both parents.

Be grateful for whatever the other parent contributes to the lives of your children, and stop seeking to get more.

You will find that when your energy is spent on genuinely accepting, and sharing parental responsibility with your former spouse, for the sake of your children, rather than continuing a war, your children will thrive emotionally. They will bear no psychological scars. They will learn the gifts of open dialogue, rather than receive pain as they witness a silent war between the two parents they are a part of.

As divorced parents, do everything you can to create a pleasant atmosphere with your former spouse for your children. This may be an unwilling sacrifice for you, but it is a gift for your children.

[i]Barbara Rose, author of: Individual Power: Reclaiming Your Core, Your Truth, and Your Life, and If God Was Like Man, brings through profound information to create the highest vision of your life. Her nationally praised seminars, articles, column: Success after Divorce, books and award winning website have helped uplift thousands of lives. She is the founder of American People for Family Justice – Child Legislation, which is dedicated to protecting the rights of children via legislation. [/i]
http://www.borntoinspire.com/pages/913785/index.htm
[img]http://www.borntoinspire.com/images/300_18_success_after_divorce_logo_300.jpg
[/img][url]http;//www.borntoinspire.com[i][/i][/url]


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PostPosted: August 6th, 2003, 2:23 pm 
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Joined: March 31st, 2003, 1:03 pm
Posts: 1
Location: USA
As I learned from experience, custody battles cannot be avoided. My ex-husband was a bitter and vengeful person who fought me for custody of my son, dragged me through the court system for 2 years (and nearly bankrupted me) and finally succeeded in obtaining custody of my child (he was rich and it was Texas, which has the most bizarre and cruel child custody laws in the US). When it was all over, I was an emotional and financial wreck and I had lost custody of my son, despite my best efforts and the advice of their psychiatrist who said that he was emotionally unstable and not suited for parenting.

Here's what I learned: if you can't avoid it, don't fuel the fire by arguing, threatening, crying or even avoiding the issue altogether. Keep careful records of everything that you do, everything that happens with and to the child and your conversations with your ex. Always have adult witnesses present, if possible, when you are with your ex.
Child custody is never a win/win situation so try to think of alternatives, depending on the child's age. Joint custody is possible, in many states, and can be structured in a variety of ways. Be proactive by hiring a mediator rather than waiting for the final court battle. In some states, decisions arrived at through mediation are accepted in lieu of a judgment.
Realize that this is just as hard on you as it is on your children. They know that they are at the center of the battle and they can experience a huge amount of guilt. If you can afford it, take them to therapy. If not, be sure to spend time talking to them about it and letting them express their feelings.

Remember that some people simply cannot be negotiated with, so if your ex is absolutely hell-bent on making your life miserable and making you 'pay' for divorcing him/her, take the high road by being positive. It's hard to do when someone is doing their best to tear your heart out, but arguing and fighting will only keep them on edge.

Finally, consider that you may lose custody of your child/children. The courts are not always unbiased and lawyers work for their clients--their job is to win at all costs. They don't care what happens to your child or to you, for that matter. Plan ahead for the possibility that you may not be the custodial parent and be prepared to deal with the emotional ramifications--it's tough, I know, I spent 6 months crying every day.

I hope this helps and my heart goes out to everyone who is involved in this type of situation. I hve been divorced for many years and I know that my struggle to rid my life of a man who was bent on destroying me emotionally was the reason I have chosen not to remarry.

Jennifer Hoffman
www.quantuslibet.org

_________________
Design the life you want to live by making the most of who you are. Change is inevitable--chaos is optional.


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PostPosted: August 6th, 2003, 2:57 pm 
Dear Jennifer,

I went throught the same nightmare that you went through, and I agree with everything you said.

If you are at all interested in helping with the child legislation I have created, please let me know. It takes Moms who have been through this to DO something about the travesty of unwarranted custody battles, and the trauma caused to our children.

Please visit my website: www.borntoinspire.com

and let me know if you would like to help or contribute in any way.

Warmest regards,
Barbara Rose


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PostPosted: August 8th, 2003, 1:28 pm 
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Joined: January 3rd, 2003, 5:35 pm
Posts: 160
If it is painfully obvious that your spouse is only demanding custody to punish you, keep a daily, written record of EVERYTHING, including phone calls, comments, letters, emails, comments the children make about visitation, late or missed visitation, neglect, emotional abuse of the children, all negative comments he makes about you to the children, etc.

This diary will be extremely valuable later. You should also immediately put your children into counseling. Having a trained professional there during the custody trial to testify about the best interests of your child carries a great deal of weight!

If you can't afford counseling and can't get it free in your area, your child's public school will probably be very happy to arrange for your child to sit down with the school counselor each week for a chat. The counselor's notes will also be extremely valuable in court later (along with his/her testimony). Don't talk about "litigation" or court because it may scare the counselor into refusing to help. Just discuss the emotional needs of your child as that is the most important. If the counselor is subpoenaed later, so be it. That's their job...to protect the emotional health if the children in their school. This includes discussing things that occur outside of school.


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PostPosted: August 29th, 2003, 7:41 pm 
I agree with Barbara Rose, don't battle. Draw a line in the sand and stop the bickering. If you wave the white flag and stop and take a deep breath all things can be come smooth. Look up to the heavens and I assure you that you will see your answer. The two of you battling is what your ex wanted, not the kids more than likely. But to see that you were in pain and frustrations you fed him. DON"T BATTLE IT ISN"T GOOD FOR YOU AND ESPECIALLY NOT GOOD FOR THE KIDS. REMEMBER THAT YOUR CHILDREN COME WAY BEFORE YOU AND GOD COMES BEFORE THEM.


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 Post subject: I wish . . .
PostPosted: September 8th, 2003, 4:05 pm 
Hello Barbara,

I wish my mother and my ex-wife had your good sense about children.

My mother and father divorced when I was very young. Throughout my childhood, my mother made it perfectly clear to me and everyone else that she thought my dad was a miserable, rotten person. And more than once, she said to me as a small child: "You're just like your father." Now as an adult, I'm still trying to recover from her hateful words.

Several years later, when it was clear that my wife and I could not get along, I divorced her. Then my ex-wife did the same thing to my daughter by putting me down to my daughter. Due to my ex-wife's lies and deception, my daughter hasn't wanted to see me for several years.

In today's world, we are bombarded with information about every imaginable prejudice and injustice, except the issue of how spiteful women turn their children against their fathers. I read voraciously, and until last week, I've never read a book that addresses this issue from a child's point of view. My cousin shared with me a novel that she received, titled "Scorn This", which focuses on the effects that this can have on children. It's about time somebody brought this hideous practice into the limelight.

Hurt and hurt again.

Harold


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PostPosted: September 14th, 2003, 2:10 am 
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Joined: September 14th, 2003, 1:29 am
Posts: 2
Hi Jenhoffman and everyone. I am so sorry that you have lost custody. The system often fails us. Many members at our NPD site find little justice in the legal department and that's so true in the case of the wealthy divorce litigant.

Many mothers face the nasty truth that after several attempts, their abusive partner will obtain custody. Because I am involved in a website that deals with psychopaths and Narcissistic Personality Disorders, our members find they are occasionally involved with courtroom stalking and the 'sport litigators' These mentally disordered psychopath people will need to win at all costs. They won't quit. They are patholoically driven to destroy their target.

I've heard from mothers who have failed to collect any more than token CS payments over many years. They battle with men who keep filing lawsuits even when they cannot win. These court room stalker litigants don't care if they don't win. They are impoverishing the mothers and many mothers become so psychologically beaten they are unable to work, they face massive legal bills, they lose their homes, and still the abuser will not quit. I'm sorry to say this is not some fiction. It's an everyday occurrence. The best advice I've heard is to try to get the courts to appoint 1 judge who will oversee the admissability of any cases the abuser files and make a ruling. This takes time and then these abusers will change tactics and file more charges in criminal court. Again, with no evidence he doesn't win and he doesn't care. He's psychologically and financially destroying his opponent. They are psychotic. They are like stalkers who feel they are maintaining the control their spouse took away when she left. These abusers are rich, and they hire great white shark lawyers.

So, how do we stop it. The sad and sorry fact is we can't. I hope that a mother who may be facing this situation reads this. Because what you are going to read is not pretty. Give up. Let him win on the money end. Walk away from the CSupport. Money is often their goal. Yes, he will have custodial access. Agree to this. Don't fight against the system.

You've likely done all the documentation you can and still he persists. You've likely gotten restraining orders and he's violated them repeatedly and only received a fine. End any area of vulnerability you can. You must appear to be a wonderful mother and have everyone else believe it too. You'll need that kind of witness/support. You must learn verbal abuse tactics, fast. You will need to get your children into therapy and acquire the services of a guardian ad litem to oversee your situation and the effects your abusive x is having on the children. You must never be emotional or you will be accused of being the crazy one.

Most divorces do not involve this degree of cruelty. But some do.

How do we win? You must be the one that your children look to everyday to run to tell about what's going on in their lives. Your excitement about them and your caring and loving and being their Rock of Gibraltor will be your ultimate victory. When your children are old enough they can voice their opinions about who to live with.

Yes, the children are hurt psychologically by their abusive parent who acquires custody because he targets the mother in this extreme example of his vindictiveness. Yes, that hurts us horribly. Yes, damage is done in many ways.

On the financial side, you may be able to negotiae and get your x to agree to put funds away for the children's educational purposes. You won't receive anything in the way of support, but because these abusers are so all concerned about their image, they may agree to do this and have the courts appoint an administrator to oversee deposits. That takes you out of the line of fire. You may be able to get someone (preferably a male, because these abusers are misogynists) to act on your behalf asking your X for financial help. That may work because of his concern over his image. It may not.

I've heard from mothers who have ripped up their CS payments checks to indicate no CS payment were made. It happens as a tactical advantage. That's real life.

These abusers don't care about their children. Their payoff is hurting their X. However they can make points with their new girlfriends by appearing to be seeking their children. And, if they get the children you can bet the girlfriend will become the one who looks after them.

To those of you unfortunate enough to be in this sad situation, learn as much as you can as fast as you can and protect yourself financially and emotionally.

Don't consider it a loss when you walk away from the $$. It will ultimately be delayed justice. Your children will know when they grow up what happened. They will have felt the sting of this abuser first-hand.

I suggest reading DR. R. Grossman's site:
**Dr. Richard Grossman's site About "Voicelessness"
http://www.voicelessness.com/parenting.html

You wil win when your children come rushing to you with their stories and want to be with you.

If you suspect that you could be dealing with such a predator, consider letting him win on the money side. Do allow custodial access, the courts will. To keep fighting him means that you could face losing your children. Many, many mothers have. They end up paying their rich Xs child support. I wish there was justice in the legal system when we're dealing with these types, but that is the harsh reality when dealing with the .'sport litigator' and his legal stalking.

Take Care
femfree
http://groups.msn.com/NARCISSISTICPERSONALITYDISORDER

_________________
He who angers you controls you. E. Kenney. Australian Nurse


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