Hi Everyone. Although we are not all involved with divorcing someone with a severe personality disorder, I would like to mention this resource about divorcing the borderline and/or narcissist.

The following is from Randi Kreger, co-author of Stop Walking on Eggshells:

http://www.bpdcentral.com/nookboard/ind ... adid=10602

Dear All:

I am happy to tell everyone that THE book/booklet about divorce and personality disorders is now ready and available to order right now. The cover looks great; I'll put a PDF on bpdcentral.

It was written by an attorney (William Eddy) who specializes in divorce and BPD. He has already written one book about it; it is his second. He is a therapist as well as an attorney. Michael Roe, an attorney who is on this list and helped many nons here, wrote the foreword.

The name of the booklet is SPLITTING: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing
a Borderline or Narcissist. It is clear that we are not speaking of ALL BPs or NPDs. We examine the entire process, starting by giving people an overview of each step in the process. The book is 150 pages.

The table of contents is:


GENERAL DIVORCE SCENARIOS:


PART I: PREPARING FOR COURT

1. IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!
2. TODAY'S COURT CULTURE
3. ALTERNATIVES TO COURT:
4. DECIDING TO SETTLE OR FIGHT
5. TAKING AN ASSERTIVE APPROACH
6. PREPARING FOR A COURT BATTLE

PART II: THE COURT PROCESS

7. BRIEF OVERVIEW
8. HIRING AN ATTORNEY
9. WORKING WITH YOUR ATTORNEY
10. GATHERING THE RIGHT EVIDENCE
11. WORKING WITH EXPERTS AND EVALUATORS
12. WHAT TO EXPECT FROM THE OPPOSING ATTORNEY
13. WHAT TO EXPECT AT YOUR HEARING OR TRIAL


PART III: SPECIAL ISSUES

14. HOW FAMILY AND FRIENDS CAN HELP
15. SHOULD AN EXPERT TESTIFY ABOUT BPD OR NPD
16. WHAT TO DO IF YOU ARE LOSING YOUR CASE
17. IF YOU ARE A MISUNDERSTOOD BP/NP AT COURT
18. ENFORCING COURT ORDERS
19. MANAGING THE POST-DIVORCE RELATIONSHIP
20. CONCLUSION


GLOSSARY
REFERENCES
READING LIST AND RESOURCES


Having read it, I learned a lot about distortion campaigns in general even though I've never divorced a BP. This booklet is the same price ($29.50) as the CD on Custody called You're My World. It's a great deal because I believe that people will be able to save thousands of dollars in lawyer fees. I am now trying to put together a package of this booklet, Love and Loathing and the custody CDs at a lesser price (haven't decided yet).

You can call 888 35 SHELL. If you call during the daytime they can Fedex it. If you'd like to write a review, please let me know.

Randi Kreger
List Owner

_________________
He who angers you controls you. E. Kenney. Australian Nurse

for posting this message. I'm in the middle of a nasty divorce that's been going on for 2 years. DH has BP, is active duty Army, and has been overseas for the 2 years that we' ve been separated. I've been struggling with his behaviours and lies long distance- which have put our 4 yr old son and I in horrible emotional and financial troubles, and I have had no one who even begins to understand the life we lived with him. The sense of relief and peace I felt reading posts from people who really understand and don't think I'm blowing things out of proportion is unfathomable. I haunt the writing boards and never would have found you if you hadn't come here. Thank you for giving my heart peace.

My wife and I are currently separated, and a divorce seems imminent, (though I have done everything I can to work a reconciliation, she says she simply lost her love for me and isn't sure if it will ever come back.) She is bipolar and narcoleptic, which is a bad combination.

My question is whether the resource you mentioned would be an adaquate guide to my upcoming unpleasantness.

Thank you very much.

Don't we all have it? I think the biggest problem with "everyone" is lack of control, and even before that, is thought. We don't "think" before we speak, and allow our rage to overcome rational thought and actions. Many people end up in this messed up relationship because they said and did things that should have never been considered. If we don't give each other respect, how can we expect the same in return? It's almost as if people think they have the right to talk to each other anyway they want since they now "know" each other and are a couple. Relationships are like a house. If you don't start with a good solid foundation, the entire house will crumble. Every time. If you are past that point of respect, it's not the end of the world but it will be much more difficult to restore the relationship to a virgin state. Not impossible, but very difficult.

I too have written a book. Mine is simply about my marriage. So what makes my marriage so different you ask? My wife is 18 years older than me, and we have been married for 19 years. Imagine the difficulty in that. We have never had an argument in 19 years, and have never yelled at each other. Not once. If people in our situation can make it work, so can others. I have documented my feelings about our relationship and what I think works. Funny thing though. People are more interested in fiction and material things then they are their own marriage. Look at the best sellers list. It's mostly fiction. My perspective? With the divorce rate over 50%, why don't these same people put their marriage at the top of the list. Instead, their importance in life is new car, new house, kids (even before a stable relationship mind you) and many other material thinks. We neglect the mental things in life. Thoughtfulness, caring, respect, patience, understanding, tolerance, and the list goes on.

I really think society is in trouble as far as relationships go. The huge cultural shift was when women entered the work force in masses back in the early 80s. Society was not prepared. Initial thoughts were gee honey, we'll have some extra money to spend. I have recently tried to find as many boards as I can to share my feelings. Do I care if I sell the book? No. That's why I have a job. Do I want to make a difference in society if I can? Yes. I hope to visit here as often as time permits and would be MORE than willing to share my thoughts. BE WARNED. I am not some Dr. Phil character. That guy just has too many answers that seem pre-packaged. I think it's great that his advice helps people but I personally don't care for the aggressive approach. I also think it's fine to say I don't have the answer. I am just a regular guy with lots of thoughts in my head which I hope will help others better understand each other. You and I are not alone when it comes to relationships good and bad. We have all been there and done that at some point in our lives. Anything I can do to help/explain from personal experience, please ask. Here is my site if anyone is interested.

Paul New

http://www.geocities.com/iampaulnew/index.html

A friend of mine recently came to us and told us her husband has been physically, mentally, emotionally, and sexually abusing her. He is military and so I my husband. My husband called the necessarry people and he was made to leave the house for hours. In that hour time he was ordered a no contact order, which means if he calls her or comes by where she is staying or has someone do it for him he gets in trouble. the next night she tells us and the first shirt that she wants to talk to him. When she comes back she informs us that they are getting back together and he is getting help and if she doesn't see a change in him she will leave him. Her husband is a compulsive liar, who brags at work about how he hits her and calls her names. He has also told people that he knows the exact place to bury her body when he kills her. She knows all this and still went back to him. She said she wanted to divorce him but she has nothing. Everything is his and he turned off her bank card to her own account. She is scared and has nothing. We have offered her all types of help if she changes her mind. My husband and I were ready to step back and just be here for her when she needed us. Well her husband is now accusing us of making this up. He told his boss that we give them alcohol(they are both yrs old) My husband hasn't had a drink since he returned from Korea 8 months ago, and I haven't drank since I had my kids. He has also tried to accuse of beating our dog and threaten to tell people that we abuse our kids, which so far fetched. She knows he is doing this but I am sure she is too afraid to go against it. I understand that. I can only imagine the kind of fear she feels towards him. She told my sister that she still wants to leave him but is afraid. What can I say to her to reassure her that I will always be here for her. What can I do to help her be s trong and make the right decision for her and her baby. I love her and the baby like they were my family, it is hard for me to stand by and wait for the legal system to work I am afraid that she will be killed. I need some advice. PLEASE!!! any help anyone can give. Cheap but good lawyers, help with housing and childcare.....ANYTHING.

My new book, due out in Nov/Dec covers alot of different personality disorders and other chronic mental health issues that produce dangerousness in relationships.
www.saferelationships.com "How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved" will be out by Hunter House.

On one hand, we all have disorders whether we would like to admit it or not. On the other hand, NO MAN has the right, or should he think he has the right to physically abuse a woman. I say do NOT give a man a second chance if he physically assaults you. Why? That is just the beginning. NO MAN would ever touch his wife if we was in control and respected her.

Paul New

To learn more about me, please visit my website.

http://www.geocities.com/iampaulnew/index.html

There is a HUGE difference between 'every one having issues' and 'learning how to be in relationships' and people who are truly diagnosed with personality disorders. There is NO comparison. Don't lump them together. People with personality disorders are permanently disordered and are more likely to harm others than those without them. Paul, if you dont have a clinical background, I wouldn't be giving out that kind of advise.

How to Spot a Dangerous Man
www.saferelationships.com

I'm a man but I believe that all men (except me) are sick. To prove it I offer myslef. Ask me all sorts of questions about your situation with your man today and I'll honestly give you a good idea of what's going through their minds. If you're interested you can email me and I'll tell you how to get to my blog.

strongwallafrica@yahoo.com

Although it's an unpopular theory, there are a certain portion of people who are in abusive relationships (physically abusive) who are there because they themselves have control issues and enjoy the periods of control as much as they hate the periods of abuse - they're often two sides of the same coin.

What the heck am I talking about?

Well, think of it. One of the most common abuse scenariors is where the man gets "set off" by somethin or drinks, does drugs or whatever, and strikes his female partner. She leaves, calls police, etc. and he immediates becomes Mr. nice, begging her forgiveness, making promises he will never keep, buying gifts and in short, doing pretty much anything she wants until he wins her back. This is her control period. She has but to snap her fingers for the next little while and it's done. She doesn't like his mother? He'll never speak to her again if she returns. His friends? Forget them, he doesn't need them if he has her (so he says). Of course there'll be no more drinking, gambling, drugs, cheating, etc. and he'll start looking for a full-time job that very day. He'll even do housework to giver her a break, because she works so hard. She is in total control - temporarily.

The period ends. He hits her again. She leaves, calls police or whatever and on and on it goes.

Cathi