I deleted the posts above from schoolmarm who placed all the blame on you. Her opinion was short-sighted and wrong.

We're here to support each other, not to judge.

I, too, cheated, 3 times! And while I admit I should have gotten a divorce beforehand, I now know I was desperately seeking love from someone because my alcoholic ex was putting me through hell.

Telling the children about an affair, especially young children, is far, FAR worse than the affair itself. If you spouse is threatening to tell, you need to tell them first, so they can see the situation from your point of view.

Since your husband is already using your children as pawns, they are already being mentally abused. You need to get out NOW. Please download my book (which started this forum) to see what you need to do to prepare. You can also read about my affairs there, and how my ex told my kids about them, too. It's free at:
http://www.angelahoy.com/book/free.html

My children no longer judge me for my infidelities. Through counseling and many long discussions, they understand why I did what I did. In fact, they don't blame me at all for what I did. One of my affairs (the last one) is still a friend of my new husband, Richard, and the children don't mind at all. He's just another "friend of the family."

It's not what you've done in the past that matter. It's what you do now to ensure your childrens' emotional and physical safety.

Hugs,
Angela

My first thought would have to be: why would the husband even threaten to tell them about their mother having an affair? In my humble opinion, that tells me that the husband/father has no concern for them and is only trying to control the wife/mother. That is wrong. While I don't have a halo hanging over my head, I can think of no possible reason to hurt any children involved, no matter their age.
As an example, I'll let you in on a secret (I doubt any of my kids will be reading this). My first wife was pregnant when we were married, I wasn't the father and I didn't know. See how dumb I can be at times? I never saw my daughter from the day she was born until she was about 30, when she decided to contact me. I did support her and her mother until they simply moved and never contacted me. Out of the clear, blue sky, she called me. Yes, I pondered her reasons but decided not to brush her off, and I'm glad I didn't. We talked on the phone, she visited me, I visited her and then she brought my two granddaughters to visit. If I had hung up on her, I never would have had the opportunity to meet them, two wonderful girls now.
Several close friends thought I should have told my daughter that I wasn't her father and let it go. What would I have said if she asked me who her real father was? I don't know who he is, nor do I care at this time. The only person I would have hurt would be her, and my granddaughters, and I can't do that. Call me stupid but I can see no rhyme or reason for doing so. To this day, I hold that secret close and will take it to my grave with me, so please don't pass it around. I'd hate to read it in the National Inquirer.
So, if the husband threatens to tell the kids about their mother having an affair, lay odds that he doesn't have the best interests of the kids at heart.

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first of all it is most unfortunate that your spouse would include the children in what is clearly not any of there concern. beiing that children have there own seperate pressures as children have/and or experience, which require the support of family a strong family,a bond that can with stand anything. So if you have found love elsewhere other than your marriage, then you need to prepare yourself for whas to come. Ask yourself, is this gentlemen that I have been dating, will he respect me in the morning. After all it is importantthat this new gentlemen render you this respect,if not your decission to be qith him could cause you the lost of respect with your children, B

This post was deleted and the user was banned. Sheesh. What is it with some mean people?

Angela

I'm sure the above post will be deleted as well...

Women don't cheat for "fun times". From experience (both personal and shared), it seems that we are looking for validation that we are still desirable and loveable, something that is completely obliterated in an abusive cycle.

No one BLAMES anyone for cheating, if they understand. It's not the "right" thing to do, but it is often a NECESSARY thing to do. A woman that has been in that situation must take responsibility for her actions, but never - not for a single, brief moment - NEVER apologize for it. Infidelity usually comes when any chance of regaining respect in the relationship has faded from possibility, and there's no use being dishonest on top of it.

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Only those that attempt the absurd, achieve the impossible.

I think under those kinds of circumstances infidelity may provide the ego boost, empowerment and glimmer of hope necessary to escape a bad situation. It's understandable that someone who has been beaten down and made to feel worthless, unloved and insignificant would reach out to another human being for comfort, affection and attention. And in the case where a spouse has been caring for an alcoholic/addicted mate, it may provide a much-needed release from stress that is threatening to drag a person under.

I don't think anyone disputes that there are other or better or more healthy ways to deal with an abusive marriage. But as far as judging or criticizing, no one who hasn't been in those circumstances can appreciate how utterly hopeless an abused spouse can begin to feel. And yes, I include spouses who become entangled in manipulative and draining relationships with alcoholics and addicts among those. It is most definitely a form of abuse. When you've reached the very depths of despair, it is often difficult to weigh all your options rationally or even realize that you HAVE options. Although, yes, it would be wonderful if an abused spouse was able to regain a sense of power and leave a harmful relationship in a more healthy way, I think that any out is better than no out at all, and if someone comes along that gives a person hope again, that's not so terrible in my book.

In any case, the woman posted regarding this a year and a half ago. I'm hoping by now she's living an entirely new and happy life.

This is Angela.

I was "caught" cheating, too. It's detailed in my book (which can be downloaded at no charge here): http://www.angelahoy.com/book/free.html

Like the post above mentions, that relationship was what gave me the courage to file for divorce. After a woman experiences years and years of a husband choosing alcohol over her and the safety and happiness of the family, it wreaks havoc with her self-esteem.

When another human being makes you feel special, that's sometimes all you need to realize that you're the victim, not the cause of the alcoholism.

Some nut-case emailed me the other day lambasting me for cheating on my husband, telling me I would rot in hell after being judged by the Lord, blah blah blah. He'd obviously read my book, but never said anything about my ex not providing for his family, putting us all through hell for years, doing drugs, etc. Some uneducated people (and those who've been brain-washed by some organized religions) always think it's the woman's fault. Ridiculous.

Hi !
I've just visited this forum. Happy to get acquainted with you. Thanks.


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