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PostPosted: August 20th, 2003, 12:13 pm 
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Joined: August 1st, 2003, 9:52 am
Posts: 1874
Angela is posting questions arriving anonymously from readers.
Please share your advice with these women!

IF YOU CAN HELP WOMEN IN NEED, please bookmark this forum and
return often. :)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How can I get an order of protection against someone in law
enforcement? I find this impossible in my city.


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PostPosted: August 20th, 2003, 1:04 pm 
Please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (US) at 1-800-799-7233

Or the Assaulted Women's Helpline (Canada) 1-866-863-0511

These toll-free services are staffed with trained counsellors that can offer confidential and anonymous advice on issues relating to emotional support, safety planning, information and referrals. They both also have websites for more information:

www.ndvh.org
www.awhl.org

The most important thing a woman living with abuse can know is tha t You are not alone and you are not to blame. Abuse is always the fault of the abuser.

Best of luck


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PostPosted: August 20th, 2003, 4:21 pm 
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Joined: August 6th, 2003, 7:56 am
Posts: 12
Location: Crenshaw, MS
Your state attorney general's office has absolute authority over law enforcement matters in your town. One phone call to them will do the trick. I have had cop troubles in the past and had to cll the SAG to handle it. It worked like a charm.

When other cops are protecting the abuser cop, they are as guilty as he is. If there is any backlash - unwarranted tickets or harassment when they see you out - call the SAG again. That will eliminate any problems you may have with the local cops forever.


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 Post subject: Protection
PostPosted: August 23rd, 2003, 4:52 am 
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Joined: August 23rd, 2003, 4:35 am
Posts: 2
Location: Sacramento,CA
You can also contact your local women's shelter. They will be a great resource of information on what happens in your local area. When I lived in Cleveland years ago I had to get a Protection Order against my ex-husband and found I had to have a police report on file, which I had none. Unfortunatly, at that time, there were no shelters. Later I worked at the shelter that had formed a year later. By then, they even kept a list of the cops whose wives we had had so they could not transport women to the shelter! There are ways to get things done, and your local shelter will know the ins and outs of your police department. There are good cops. They will protect you. You just need to know how to find them. Good luck.


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PostPosted: August 28th, 2003, 9:05 pm 
that's a tricky question, because getting an order is one thing - having it enforced is another if it's his co-workers that have to do it. i have the feeling that it's not just getting one, but having it stick that is bothering you. Most cops don't like having to get involved in their fellow cops domestic disputes - plus, not many like to have to take a fellow officer down. But most cops also don't like wife-beaters - even though some of them are. Cops aren't any different from other people in that regard - some are good and some are bad.

calling the attorney general for your state is great advice as the other writer advised, as is contacting the hotline and the women's shelter because they can help guide you. beyond that, i think that it might also be a good idea to call one of your husband's supervisors who is fairly high up the chain of command (going to the top if you must) once you get the order (with a laywer if possible) and have the order served on him at work if possible. It's kind of a dirty trick, but if the situation is potentially violent towards you, you need to make sure that someone up the chain of command knows that there is a 'situation.'


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PostPosted: September 2nd, 2003, 10:49 am 
I was married to a military cop who was abusive. I believed when I married him that he would protect me.

Unfortunately, that belief resulted in 23 broken bones, burns, etc., over the course of our marriage of 3 years.

Cops, as a group, have a higher record of spousal abuse than most any other profession. Weird, huh?

But, when it comes down to it, they're human.

If your spouse is a military cop, his company commander will not be impressed by his abuse. I suggest you take your medical records with you and visit him or her.

I don't know how the rank structure of civil cops works, but the rankings themselves are based on military rankings. If you're having a problem, take it to the commander of his unit. Be prepared to provide evidence. Ask for help in controlling your abusive spouse (legal writs to keep him from coming home, police help in keeping him away from you, etc.) in moving out, with money, or whatever you need. The worst they can do is not believe you, however, they HAVE to file a report, just like any other civil authority. Make sure someone in authority knows what's happening, that reports are filed. When you get divorced, in some states, this is vitally important. And move UP the chain of command, till someone believes you at the local, county, or state level.

And, protect yourself. These are people armed not only with abusive hands and tongues, but with weapons. These are people who know other cops who are not only good cops, but some who are not so good.

Be prepared to move, immediately, without leaving a forwarding address at the post office. The reason I'm saying this is because ANYONE can go to any post office and request a search for a forwarding address on anyone. It doesn't take a detective to find someone through the postal system.

Change your name if you are able. In some states, this is as simple as a declaration of intent. Some required a court appearance. Some of us so dislike our given name that changing is a lovely prospect. There is a positive to this, but it won't help with things like credit debt, irs, etc. Those things don't go away..

Some abused women are living in the same town or city that they grew up in, and have never even been outside their local area. Well, it's time to move on! Find a shelter in another city or state, call them, tell them what you need, and ask them for help. They have a system of helping women no matter where you're coming from.

The advice about checking your computer is good. Find another computer to use, a friend, local library, cyber cafe, or even the local college. Most schools have computer labs, even grade schools, and the principal or councelors may be able to help you.

Most important, take care of yourself and your kids. If no one has told you this before, let me be the first: YOU DON'T DESERVE TO BE BEATEN, HURT, ABUSED. In my case, someone had to say those very words to me before I was able to realize it.

Be well,

Starr


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PostPosted: September 3rd, 2003, 12:44 am 
Please remember that the Order, if you get one, is only paper. You had some very valid advise provided, such as contacting your State's Attorney, making yourself familiar with your local Women's Shelter options, etc.

Build a support network amongst your supportive family - and friends that are yours, not your spouse's.

Set up a telephone contact network where you phone your supportive network at specific times of the day, just to check in. If you miss one of those calls, that person must be prepared to check on you immediately so that any potential harm is minimized. If they phone you and you are supposed to be home, but are unable to come to the phone or when you answer you are unable to talk freely, or you pass along your 'code word' which lets that person know you are in trouble, they must get help to you or intervene directly on your behalf as soon as possible.

Don't rely on any document to protect yourself. You must begin to take control of your life and do it for yourself.


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PostPosted: January 8th, 2004, 12:56 pm 
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Joined: January 7th, 2004, 5:15 pm
Posts: 22
Location: Way up North
Being married to a cop who is also an abuser is... well I have no words other than I have been there. Who do you call for help when he is hurting you? The cops? What a joke. I have never seen a more protected abuser! Then when it comes to custody due to their often times off and on schedules it appears that they have more time with the children and that some how makes them the better and more available parent.

In court they are an "expert wittness". These men/cops know the system inside and out. Even with a restraining order they can be abusive. They will send horrible letters through their attorneys and sometimes also through the kids. They know how to "break" the restraining order without really breaking it. The only thing you can do is stand tall. (Easier said than done. I know). The advise I got was to move to another county for things to work out fairly... for me to have even half a chance.
Stay in close touch with the domestic abuse centers. Go to their group sessions. Other women will help to keep you strong. Read read read!!!! Educate yourself. Its possible that you feel anger...most do, but do not let it over power you let it propel you.


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PostPosted: January 22nd, 2004, 3:43 am 
Poor you. You have my sympathy because I was once an abused wife. Your cop husband has superiors, so go to the top and complain. If you can take along medical reports, your church minister for support, and any social worker or doctor who has examined you and knows of your curcimstances. Is there a women's shelter in your area? Visit them for advice. In many places, police are the ones who lay charges against abusers.

A few years ago, I did a survey and wrote an article on battered wives and the occupations of the men who abused them. Top of the list - doctors, lawyers, policemen. Truckers came in fourth place. It seems that men in a profession where they can't let off steam at work will go home and take it out on their wives.

If you wish to preserve this marriage, insist that he go for counselling and go with him. If you've taken enough abuse, get out of the relationship.

When I walked out on an abusive minister husband, a cop called me out from the women's shelter to talk to im. During the course of the conversation, he told me he would have hit me, too, if I had spken to him in the disrespectful way I had spoken to my husband. He urged me to drop all charges because I would lose my home and my daughter. When I reported this to the shelter, the cop was fired. Don't believe all you hear about cops sticking together. Those in high ranks have a lot to lose if it becomes front page news that they failed to help you and curb your husband's temdemcies and get him some treatment.

Hang in there, sweetheart, you're a lot stronger than you think right now.

Poll


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PostPosted: January 22nd, 2004, 2:40 pm 
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Joined: January 7th, 2004, 5:15 pm
Posts: 22
Location: Way up North
Thank you! I did go through the local womans shelter. I spent several weeks there after he raped me. I went to his supervisors and they rallied to support him. After I left him he attacked another prof woman in our small community. She was told to keep her mouth shut if she wanted to keep her career. Several months later he sexually assaulted another young woman under the age of 20. She went to the police and it was investigated. The end result of that was she backed down from pressing charges. She told people that she did not know what to do when her boyfriend walked in on them having sex so she said it was rape. She made many phone calls to my soon to be ex telling him she was sorry and that she loved him. My ex is just a shade away from being 40. Fourteen years ago he assaulted a woman physically while on the job. It hit the papers but went no further. Just recently he had another "brush" with the law. This time he was placed on paid leave. I still very much fear this man. I would rather see him as a police officer than out of a job. I believe that it is the only thing that keeps me safe. With out his career I feel strongly that there is nothing stopping him from hurting me or our children.


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 Post subject: Just get away
PostPosted: January 30th, 2004, 3:08 pm 
I'm currently married to a Deputy Sheriff in Va. You can't get any protection. The cops help each other out and won't let you report it. I was finally able to get my husband out of our home when I discovered that he was sleeping with another Deputy. He stills verbally abuses me but that better than having him push me into walls. My advice is to just try to keep the peace and GET A DIVORCE!!! They DO NOT change and the departments will not help. I even tried calling his supervisor and they did nothing.

Good luck.


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PostPosted: January 30th, 2004, 4:53 pm 
I hope the woman who wrote is in the US because I don't know how it work in other countries. The main thing is to go to a different force. In other words if your husband is a local cop, call the county sherriff or state police, they are in charge of policing the police. Also, go the State AG at the same time. If you don't get a response quickly, call the FBI and the local US Attorney, they deal with a lot of police department corruption and that is exactly what this is. keep records of everything, find someone who is a notary and get notarized copies of everything to send and when you sent it, especially if there is any chance things aren't getting filed. Good luck.


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PostPosted: February 23rd, 2004, 4:20 pm 
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Joined: January 7th, 2004, 5:15 pm
Posts: 22
Location: Way up North
I tried the FBI and was told that he was freinds with the police chief and would feel obligated to tell him exactly what saying. He said this as he was looking at my chest instead of giving any eye contact.

The county that I moved to allowed my soon to be ex to violate the restraining order. I called 911 with NO RESPONSE. They had dispatched an officer who never showed up. He told his superiors that he had a more important call to take and that I probably would have been asleep by the time he could have taken a report from me.

That situation however was "handled" and the officer who should have responded was spoken to. This was only because I contacted the local Domestic Abuse center and they saw to it that a meeting was held to talk to the officer.


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PostPosted: May 23rd, 2004, 8:43 am 
The website was recommended at a legal site and may be well worth checking out:
How to Get a Restraining Order
http://www.womenslaw.org/TX/TX_how_to.h ... ible%20for%

Here are some other resources that we have referenced :

When the abuser is a police officer
http://www.policedv.com/

Batterers in Blue
http://www.kersplebedeb.com/mystuff/pol ... erers.html

Abuse of Power
http://www.dwetendorf.com/

Also, I would recommend searching www.google.com for such keywords as domestic violence police, police violence, abuse by authorities etc.

You are not alone. I've come across many messages from the wives of police officers/military people whose partners/spouses are psychologically and physically abusive.

Take Care
femfree
(financial & emotional freedom)

The first time a woman is hit, she is a victim and the second time, she is a volunteer.
http://www.wayneandtamara.com/gavindebe ... offear.htm

Mom, Dad and their children are having dinner on a Wednesday night. Dad is snappy and irritable, criticizing everybody during the meal, spreading his tension around like electricity. When he finishes eating, he leaves the table abruptly and heads out of the room. His ten-year-old daughter says. “Dad, where are you going? Wednesday is your night to wash the dishes.“ Upon hearing these words, Dad bursts into flames, screaming, “You upstart little ####, don’t you dare try to tell me what to do! You’ll be wearing a dish on your face!” He grabs a plate off the table, makes like he is going to throw it at her, and then turns away and smashes it on the floor. He knocks a chair over with his hand and storms out of the room. Mom and the children are left trembling, the daughter bursts into tears. Dad reappears in the doorway and yells that she’d better shut up, so she chokes off her tears, which causes her to shake even more violently. Without touching a soul, Dad has sent painful shock waves through the entire family. We move ahead now to the following Wednesday. Dinner passes fairly normally, without the previous week’s tension, but Dad still strolls out of the kitchen when he finishes eating. Does a family member remind him that it’s his turn to wash the dishes? Of course not. It will be many, many months before anyone makes that mistake again. … Dad’s scary behaviour has created a context in which he won’t have to do the dishes anytime he doesn’t feel like it, and no one will dare take him to task for it. … The abusive man gains power.”
Excerpt: Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, Lundy Bancroft


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 Post subject: cops
PostPosted: May 23rd, 2004, 4:51 pm 
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Joined: April 29th, 2004, 8:49 pm
Posts: 3632
Location: God's country
Having worked in domestic violence as a therapist for years--here is one way. Do what other posters have said: take medical records to his superior WITH another professional in tow (a social worker or domestic violence personnel). Have everything you want to talk about typed out. Read it. At the bottom, have his superior SIGN IT that he was communicated to about the behavior/violence of his own staff. Ask what the protocol will be from the cops--how they will handle this in the future. Ask him to write it at the bottom of your document.

If you ever use 911 with no response, take to the cilvil or family court judge in your areas. If nothing occurs from the judge, then take it to the newspape rthat this was passed on to the judge and to the cops and this was the end result. Papers LOVE this stuff. You gotta put pressure on all agencies that can or do have anything to do with this.

My book is due out in Nov of this year-- How to Spot a Dangerous Man BEFORE You Get Involved. Might be helpful in your own future.


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