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PostPosted: August 8th, 2003, 2:14 pm 
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Joined: August 1st, 2003, 9:52 am
Posts: 1857
Angela is posting questions arriving anonymously from readers.
Please share your advice with these women!

IF YOU CAN HELP WOMEN IN NEED, please bookmark this forum and
return often. :)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1. How do women made sure they were emotionally okay after the
divorce

2. it seems hard sometimes to find info about how to weigh one's options about what to do, to leave or not to leave if the situation has strong pros and cons.


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 Post subject: Of course it's hard!
PostPosted: August 13th, 2003, 9:31 am 
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Joined: February 19th, 2003, 5:33 pm
Posts: 13
Location: New Jersey, USA
If it was easy, we'd be in an even worse situation in this country than we already are! :cry: How do you know when it's time to go? Are you in pain daily? Have you already exhausted all possible avenues to make the marriage work? Is he abusive or controlling? Do you long for the day you'll be able to get him out and sanity back into your life? If so, it's probably time to at least go for a trial separation. Dr. Phil believes that it is imperative for a divorcing couple to solve their marital issues even if they decide to divorce anyway. Having divorced without doing so, I have to fully agree with him. I will never have closure on the issues that drove me to leave, and that will be a problem in my relationship with my ex forever.

How will you know you're psychologically okay after the divorce? Accep the fact that you won't be "okay" for quite a while. You will go through all of the stages of grief and mourning that you would have gone through had he died. There is no time-frame for returning to "okay" status. If you find you are having trouble getting through your days, find a counselor who specializes in whatever issues you're confronting. If you've been abused, you will probably be suffering from Post-traumatic Stress Disorder. Make sure you're honest with your counselor about the details of your situation. You may need to be treated for depression or anxiety or both. Only you and a professional can make that determination.

Good luck.


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 Post subject: Will you be okay?
PostPosted: August 20th, 2003, 8:27 pm 
Speaking from experience... YES!

The moment we ask ourselves if the situation we are involved is good for us, we already know that the answer is NO!

We must trust ourselves and take the hardest step necessary to break free. It is not easy. Some refuse to feel that horrible, gut-wrenching pain of loss, so they stay within the comfort zone of being abused. It is also a painful process as we discover the truths that have allowed us to be in an abusive, controlling relationship.

There is no time limit as to how long feeling back to yourSELF can take. Time, however, does heal the pain, but so does getting involved with yourSELF, and loving yourSELF, making peace with yourSELF and finding out how worthy of true love you are. The more you call positive, creative beauty into your life, the more others will be drawn to you and your life will take a more up-beat direction!

Ask yourself this... what is more important in your life? The peaceful sound mind that discovering your true womaness can bring... or the stressfilled days of wondering and accepting a life of trauma and drama?

To feel is to heal, and the pain you suffer from the loss of "love" is severe. The feelings of depression, anger, guilt and shame are the stages of healing. Feel them, and heal them! Let them go... and move on! Life has a bounty of surprises for you, and you alone! Go find them!

I wish you much success on your journey to freedom, you will be OKAY, in fact, better than ever before!

Bella Moon ~ An abuse survivor, who will not allow that in my life any longer!


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 Post subject: leave or not?
PostPosted: August 20th, 2003, 9:16 pm 
You'll need to understand the signs of abuse and if you're living it consider leaving. If it is something to seek counseling for and/or it is not an abusive situation, seriously weigh your pros and cons. Marriage is hard work and not everyday is a picnic as we all know:), but if you are feeling that this can not possibly work take the alternate route. Always remember in gaining strength; for every door that closes another opens! Best Wishes Denise.


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 Post subject: to leave or not
PostPosted: August 21st, 2003, 12:41 am 
I asked myself that over and over again....when he hit me I asked the question...when all was well...I just breathed a sigh of relief.
I kept staying and staying...the violence kept getting worse.
One day he called to pick me up for lunch break. My 2 children were with us. When he didn't stop at the restaurant, I was puzzled. He was driving us to the outskirts of town. He brutally beat me and dumped me from the car into a ditch. My children were screaming. I crawled and clawed my way back to town,
I got the message...nothing would change. After getting out of the hospital I left town in the middle of the night with my children.
I knew I had made a mistake in thinking it would change. Once violent...it will not change!!! Do you hear me??? It will not change!!! Don't wait until a ditch episode to make up your mind. Leave now!!!
This all occurred in 1968, before shelters. We lived under a bridge in a strange city until I could find a safe house for us. We are all alive and well. I found work...went far in my work. Got paid well because I always had a sense of gratitude. Gratitude that I was aliveThis ia just a bad memory.
You can do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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 Post subject: to leave or not
PostPosted: August 21st, 2003, 9:18 am 
I was young when I got married and soon after my husband started to beat me. He would choke me with telephone cords, kick me with steel toed boots, bang my head of the floor, I had black eyes, and fat lips. He would always say he was sorry and be nice for a few days, then it would happen again. I stayed with him and soon found myself with four children and he was still abusive. It finally got so bad last year that I finally called the police for the first time! I even stayed at a womens shelter. They taught me many things. If you need to leave him plan ahead and be prepared! You only have one chance to leave. I stayed with my husband, I loved him and my kids love him.The court made him take anger management classes and couseling. I also had to go through couseling. He has not hit me since then! Some people can change if they can admit that they are doing wrong when they are abusive. It they can't admit it, they can't be helped.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: August 22nd, 2003, 11:26 am 
I married an ex viet nam vet. He had always been troubled. He drank. I begged and cried and pleaded for 6 years. He refused to admit to a problem. At the end of ten years I left after he broke my back, using Karate. Which I had paid for in hopes of making it up to him for such a horrid childhood that he had. It took a lot of courage and help from my friends, But in the end I realized he would never get better and no amount of tears could change him. When they drink , they become deaf . They do not want you to help them with their problems, that is the reasons or alibis for continuing to drink or abuse drugs...if u takethat away or fix it they have no reasons to continue drinking. Until they want to do somthing about it you are basically incharge of a child. You cook and clean and in my case take over the jobs to pay the bills and give them money . You enable them to sit back and waste away
He died the same day as princess diana from alcohol he was 46 I felt so guilty about leaving him when I did It was like leaving a 4 year old to fend for hisself, But your days on this earth are as numbered as your spouse. You need to make a hard decision. Freedom to find a life or just another day of fighting and listening to his spiel on why the world id so unfair and cruel that they have to hide in a bottle
:(


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 Post subject: What if....
PostPosted: August 22nd, 2003, 8:43 pm 
There have been many great responses about what to do, and previous experience with very obvious physical abuse. I have been down a long long road after leaving my ex husband. I left the second time he was physical with me, and neither time was anywhere near as extensive as the ladies above have described. He refused to drink, he came from a family where alcoholism is rampant. He did display behaviors of an alcoholic. Many of them. I struggled for five long years and through one child (age 3 when I left, with my son) to "work" at our relationship. He was unwilling and non-understanding regarding any work a marriage may need. He cheated on me, lied constantly, would leave for hours or overnight "just because." He would sabotage my jobs when I attempted to work, we needed the money to pay bills and his checks somehow disappeared before they were paid. He took advantage of my firm belief that children are best raised with at least one SAH parent. There are many forms of abuse.

If you are not "okay" now, then please don't worry about being okay after divorce. It really can't be any worse.

I completely agree that it is best to do everything you can to work through the issues you have with your partner before taking the final step of divorce. I have friends who have found themselves in similar situations to (or worse than) mine, and I have a firm belief that most women will not take advice, will not do what they know they should (LEAVE) until they are absolutely convinced they have done everything they can to 'fix' the situation. I suggest creating a timeline for yourself. The length should depend on the severity of the situation. During this period of time, do EVERYTHING you feel you can to have tried to help or resolve the situation. Try counseling. If he won't, go yourself. Find what makes you feel valuable to your relationship and your life and do it. Try your best to be nice. I know this last sounds a little odd. Telling someone who is putting up with a jerk to be nice in the face of this. But I promise you will reduce the guilt and the "what if this is my fault?" feelings that are almost always associated with abused women. Try your best to at least have some idea of how you can be financially independant. You don't have to have achieved this, but at least you will know and be able to work on this further whether you stay or you go. Consider it important to your life and that of any children you may have. This is good for even women who are not abused. Taking away fear of how to support yourself if something happens to your partner is a big relief.

Someone mentioned that they will always have unresolved issues with their ex, but even if you never have to have a relationship with them (my ex is allowed no contact with our son through a separate issue) you will have issues with yourself and future partners.

These are the things that immediately come to mind. If I can think of anything else I'll be sure to post again! Hope my remarks are helpful! No one deserves such unhappiness. :)


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 Post subject: ABused?
PostPosted: August 25th, 2003, 2:03 pm 
(if u read anyting in this msg please read the entire msg til the end)


Hello I know this may come as a shock to most readers however yes I am a male and I can honestly say this, I have traveled along road in my 29 years of life for me I wanted nothing more than love from a woman however I went about itt he wrong way I looked for the wrong reasons to keep them. I was selfish and didnt seem to care how they felt I knew ( or at least I thought I knew if I made them stay they would get use ot me and love me ) But i learned to realize that I didnt love them as much as I thought it was obseccion a fear of being alone the fear of them loving someone else more and the truth is I dudnt love them at all If i had I would of let them be with a better man than me. I too abused a few woman in the past. I didnt know how to exceopt change or pain my biggest threat was a woman cheating on me seeing this from both of my parents I didnt want it to happen to me seeing my parents fighting I didnt want this to happen to me but it did. I knew of no other way of causing her the pain she caused me. the emotional pain was followed by physical pain if i was hurt emotionally she appparently didnt care if I ran out and cheated on her so I wanted revenge and that was to physically slap her or throw her to the ground. All my childhood fears became my reality. I was an abuser after all and had no idea how to control this anger. I had a disease and yes I look at it as a deisease. Not all men hit nor do all woman for that matter not all have the disease but i had it. I t was along road to recovery for me and I have the biggest regret of my life by being that way I too am no longer with the mother of my kids now we had many problems and I have excepted the fact that her and I cannot be together. I have took time away from dating others and realized th epain I have casued the few woman I dated th eemotional scars I have created on them the memory that I gave them not good ones i might add but i had the courage to be a man and except that I had a problem an anger problem. I spent many years as a single father in order for me to better myself I have had really good relationships since that time in my life and yes have been cheated on and I honestly realized that if they cheat they dont want to be with me and I moved on I became a person who respected himself first than respected woman. I wanted to let u know woman if you are in an abusive relatonship no matter how hard it is you haver to leave he will not change while with u he will become a animal he cannot do it while in a relationshi he has to do it for himself and he has to do it alone. Remember the first sign of jealousy almost always turns to rage. I became a victim of my own self the last rera,ltionship I was in for 4 years, yes took me 4 years to get out was bad she was abusive control freak and my good grief took everything away from she did esactly to me what i use to do to woman put them down call them names she tried to cruch my confidence. WHY? she wanted me to think she was all I had and that cared for me. I got away she did haunt me stalk me broke in my house stabbed me. It was a long road to recovery but I survived I had the will and courageand the dream to be FREE.

NOw my goal is to help abused woman and child find that courage and dreram to be free.


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 Post subject: being ok
PostPosted: August 27th, 2003, 6:34 pm 
I went through a lot of painfully abusive relationships before I married my husband. his abuse was the last straw. Abusing me while sleepwalking. I dont think so! Ladies please listen to me. DO NOT stay in a relationship like that. Odds are that if you stay, you will be in the graveyard. It is not your problem to cure these men. You didnt cause the problem, so get the hell out! Take the kids and run! There are protective custody and shelters. I would rather be free than dead! Do not let your fear keep you in that type of relationship! It isnt worth it at all. Not for you, not for any children you have. Please dont think that love can sure something like that... It hasnt yet! That is an excuse. You are gambling with your life and those of any children you have.


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