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PostPosted: August 20th, 2003, 9:33 pm 

Joined: August 1st, 2003, 9:52 am
Posts: 1880
Angela is posting questions arriving anonymously from readers.
Please share your advice with these women!

IF YOU CAN HELP WOMEN IN NEED, please bookmark this forum and
return often. :)


QUESTION 1: Why does my husband continue, after 2 years separated, to tell my son
lies about me even though he has gone on with his life and aquired another
companion that he says he loves?

QUESTION 2:How long before I can divorce without having his consent?

 Post subject: Husband lieing to son.
PostPosted: August 21st, 2003, 12:44 am 
Your husband lies to your son to keep control of your son's loyalty.

This is the same as poison for your son.

Without being negative about your husband, your son needs to be told his dad has a problem. Dad is afraid of losing his son's love.

Even if you really have to grit your teeth, you have to maintain the sanity in this situation.

 Post subject: Husband lying to son
PostPosted: August 21st, 2003, 11:16 am 
I'm not sure I agree about telling your son his Dad has a problem. That's exactly what Dad's doing about you. You have to consider how old your son is and what he understands about divorce. A counselor can help you and your son deal with this situation. It certainly is possible that your ex is trying to control your son's loyalty in this way. And it certainly is poison to your son. This is one of the terrible side effects of divorce, using the kids as ammunition even long after the divorce has been finalized. Do keep your sanity and become a model for your son to keep his. You can control you, but you can't control your ex.

PostPosted: August 21st, 2003, 1:27 pm 

Joined: August 1st, 2003, 9:52 am
Posts: 1880
Honesty is the best policy here. Don't tell him dad has a "problem" but do tell him it's a lie when he's told something dishonest about you and also tell him why his father is lying to him.

Your son will be able to accept the situation and will be psychologically armed the next time dad tells a lie.

I went through this with my ex and son. Being 100% open and honest will help your son trust you more and will help him deal with the lies when they occur. My son's therapist told me to tell my son everything, not in a judgemental way, but as if I were teaching him a history lesson.

Remaining silent will do more damage than you can imagine. And, trying to talk to the father will only make it worse. He'll use your frustration as fuel for his vengeful thoughts and words.

 Post subject:
PostPosted: August 21st, 2003, 5:04 pm 
It's disturbing that he's been separated for two years but doesn't want a divorce. Maybe there's a money issue, too. If this man can control your son, it indirectly gives him another avenue of control over you, too.

 Post subject: When can you divorse?
PostPosted: August 23rd, 2003, 5:03 am 

Joined: August 23rd, 2003, 4:35 am
Posts: 2
Location: Sacramento,CA
You can start divorse procedings at any time. You don't need his permission. Get a lawyer or go to the nearest Legal Aid Office for help NOW! He doesn't control this situation or you. If he's telling you that you need him to say it's ok he's LIEING to you too.

 Post subject:
PostPosted: August 27th, 2003, 2:23 pm 
He is just a jerk and perhaps you simply need to face that fact. Jerks lie, manipulate, smile, then act like things are fine. They've done nothing wrong (to hear them tell it--yawn). Been there. Women who have kids by jerks go along with the insanity to keep from admitting they just made a mistake. Acceptance is the key to moving on in life past a jerk. Why would he want to move on? You sound like a kind, patient, giving woman who sits and plays spectator to his miserable and pathetic drama. Pull the plug on his show. It's not like he's actually honoring your marriage. The point is to keep you guessing about his next silly, third and ninth act (which are re-runs that drove you nuts already). Double Yawn. Turn off his corny drama by accepting that he is a jerk, was a jerk when you met him, and will probably die a jerk. Then turn on TV to watch professional actors like Luci & Desi. Grow bored with amateur actors. Just my two cents worth. Life is simply too long to be bothered with this jerk. :smile

 Post subject:
PostPosted: August 28th, 2003, 8:47 pm 
Answer to question #2 -

There are two kinds of divorces:

1) you jointly agree that you don't want to be together and somehow manage to agree enough to settle things without too much negotiation

2) one party wants to get the hell out regardless of what the other person wants or doesn't want

Run, don't walk to the nearest legal aid, recommended divorce lawyer or paralegal and get shed of the bum! The only permission or consent you need for a divorce is the judge's!!!

The way it looks - your ex has two women - one that he lives with and 'cares' for and one that he can take all his rage and frustration out on - that's you - even if it is indirectly through your son. Everything that you make, or save, or put aside in a retirement account that you are making NOW - two years after you've split up - he could be entitled to half of - and he can turn right around and spend it all on his new dame.

It's probably time you moved on, too, and into a better life for yourself. OH, and even if your face falls off, grit your teeth and don't give your ex tit-for-tat by criticizing him to your son. It's not for him, or for you - it's for your son. You might however, casually mention that while the both of you love HIM, you don't particularly like each other anymore and you will do your best not to put him in the middle. Then, just do it.


BTW - I've been married and divorced 4 times, had a long term live-in relationship for an 'almost' number 5 marriage, have two sons and two grandsons and a granddaughter. Not only have I been an optimistic with terrible taste, but i've had the opportunity to see how my choices have impacted my kids over a long term. No plans for a #6.....

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