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PostPosted: September 6th, 2005, 9:05 pm 
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Joined: January 7th, 2004, 10:24 am
Posts: 97
Location: New York
I have been separated from my husband for 10 years, divorced for over 5 years. My eldest started college this month. He has paid child support based on what he thought was fair, and the divorce agreement states plainly that the support continues until the children reach 21.

Suddenly, he decides he's not paying child support anymore. Then after he decides how much college we each pay for (the decree said based on our individual incomes but he threw a fit and said it had to be based on assets. I knew he had more than I had, but had no clue how much more, so I agreed. He has to pay 93% of college expenses according to the agreement based on his own way to calculate it) , he just refuses to pay the bills leaving me scrambling - I got the payment in one day before deadline or my daughter would have been unenrolled (i had already paid my portion plus for all her books and supplies).

Today he emails me that he's not paying child support or anything anymore since he heard I am trying to open a small shop which must mean I've been hiding money from him all this time. HA. Actually the home equity loan I'm using to set up shop reduces my assets and increases my stress. he's also compalining that my husband isn't contributing enough to the kids (not my husband's kids) expenses. OH yeah, he just realized I have a writer's website and told me that I must have plenty of money for all the kids expenses since I can afford a website.

I'm just having an awful day. Despite the fact that he cannot simply choose to alter the divorce agreement he handcrafted (yes, I got screwed because i wanted to avoid hard feelings. oy) he keeps harassing me with his emails. He even insisted the our college-bound daughter give him some of her hard-earned money to pay for an update on his car since she drives it.

Would it suprise anyone to know that he is a corporate executive making over $300K per year and with over a million in the bank, lol. When he accused me of squandering the child support because I hadn't saved every dime of it for ten years to pay for college, I almost died. He said, "If I have a million, you should have a million." then accused me and my husband (a newspaper man) of living the high life off the child support. okay. sure. But while he's refused to buy any of their clothes, dance lessons, music instruments, trips to camp, field trips, school pics, etc., I've been happy to pick up the tab. And see where it's gotten me.

I feel like the abuse never ends.
sigh
me


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PostPosted: September 7th, 2005, 5:37 am 
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Joined: June 30th, 2005, 1:38 pm
Posts: 606
Is there any way, through a combination of grants/scholarships and a part-time job that your daughter can finance most of her college education, with you and your current husband helping out where needed? Then you could be free of the emotional abuse your ex is dishing out.

I know your ex should be held accountable, but there comes a time when continuing to try to get blood out of a stone just isn't worth it. Your daughter may want to remain in contact with him, for reasons of her own, but if she chooses to do that from a position of strength (not needing his money), she'll be a much happier person.

Also, she should know that potential employers look very favorably on job candidates who worked at least part of their way through college -- whether or not their parents could afford to put them through! It shows independence, initiative, and maturity.

Good luck!

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PostPosted: September 7th, 2005, 12:33 pm 
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Joined: January 7th, 2004, 10:24 am
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Location: New York
She has huge scholarship, thank goodness, so we can pay for it. In fact, I have already, but my frustration (and I"m working on it) comes from the fact that my ex dictated the terms of our divorce. I got very little except the child support and his obligation to pay for their insurance and for a proportionate share of college expenses. He decided the amount of the child support and then later decided what his share of college costs would be. If he set the terms, I truly lose it thinking that he now doesn't want to keep them.

I hate that he values his money more than his children's future. I've worked two and three jobs (part time combined iwth freelance combined with teaching, and taking on Christmas jobs at the mall, etc.) to pay for all the clothes, camps, classes, AP tests, $80 graphing calculator (yeah, we just went shopping for that one) and gifts for friends' birthdays, prom dresses, and the dance lessons alone over the years surpassed the child support payment. I hate that he keeps accusing me and my hard-working husband of taking the child support and living high off the hog (as he says) when we are thrilled to take a weekend away and do winery tours, and he goes to turks and caicos, tortola, acapulco, Japan, etc. for weeks at a time for his vacations (which he can afford and that's not something I really care about, just that in comparison, our $300 weekend each spring seems frugal.)

You make many good points. I would love to be done with him. But the children spend every weekend with their dad and are close to him. I mainly want him to live up to the terms HE created. YEAH!! Oh well, life goes on.

thanks,
whiney me

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PostPosted: September 7th, 2005, 12:59 pm 
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Joined: January 13th, 2004, 4:38 pm
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Quote:
Suddenly, he decides he's not paying child support anymore.


What he is doing is illegal. The attorney who handled your divorce should be able and willing (not free, but for a reasonable fee) to file the papers in order to get a court order against your husband. If you wish to pursue this, that's the course to take.

On the other hand, as NWC pointed out, you have to decide if it is worth the investment of time, effort, money, and emotional capital. There is an old saying that if you loan someone $20, and then never see them again, it is probably the best $20 you have ever spent. Would it be worth it to you to just forget about the money in order to be able to almost completely forget about your ex? My guess is that he's using the money as a way to continue to control and influence your life. Wouldn't it be nice to be able to tell him to just go stuff it, because you don't care?

Quote:
I hate that he values his money more than his children's future... I hate that he keeps accusing me...


You need to accept the fact that you cannot control what he says, what he does, or what he values. These are his problems, not yours. You are CHOOSING to make them your problem. You are CHOOSING to let him control your reactions. I know it doesn't feel like that to you right now, I know it feels like you have no control over these reactions, but you do!

Quote:
I would love to be done with him.


Then be done with him! The fact that your children spend every weekend with him is irrelevant. That's just someplace that they go. There is nothing forcing you to invest your emotional capital in the things that he says and does. You are letting him control you in ways that you do not have to. Go look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself out loud (yes, I really do mean OUT LOUD!) that you and only you are in control of your life, your decisions, and your emotions! Then regardless of whether you decide to pursue this with an attorney or not, stop giving him control of you!

Good luck!


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PostPosted: September 7th, 2005, 1:26 pm 
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Joined: June 30th, 2005, 1:38 pm
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This is the only thing I can add to what denverd0n had to say. ( I still have to work on this, myself, in many areas.)

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the courage to change the things I can,
The serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

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Please spay/neuter your companion animals. And when it's time to add to your four-legged family, save a life by adopting a stray or from a shelter or rescue group.


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PostPosted: September 10th, 2005, 5:43 pm 
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Joined: April 29th, 2004, 8:49 pm
Posts: 3632
Location: God's country
Your ex sounds like a Narcissist. In that case, the rules of the universe don't apply to him. He lives by his own rules and changes them at will. It's all about him and how he sees things. The only thing that hurts these people is to be IGNORED, for you to be indifferent to his demands or malignantly narcissistic views. Disconnect. It will kill him.


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PostPosted: September 10th, 2005, 6:57 pm 
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Joined: January 7th, 2004, 10:24 am
Posts: 97
Location: New York
Thanks Willow. Yes, he is. We ONLY have email contact - my decision. And the emails always start with him, and I get about two per month. I do not reply unless it has to do with the children's scheduling. My friend told me to become the rock in white water. The turbulence can flow over and around me, and I can stand immovable. I'm doing that.

The one thing that stops him dead is when I say, "have your lawyer call my lawyer." Lawyer's cost money, lol, so he usually stops emailing for a few months. :)

thanks again,


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PostPosted: September 12th, 2005, 2:17 pm 
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Joined: April 29th, 2004, 8:49 pm
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Location: God's country
There is a great website on msn called Narcissistic Personality Disorder.Lots of great info for coping.


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