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PostPosted: February 21st, 2005, 2:49 pm 
i need help. i don't believe in divorce. More specifically, i don't believe in breaking promises, and i promised that i would "love, honor, and cherish" him "till death do us part". i do love him...sometimes. i always honor him. As for cherish, not so sure about that one. But the idea of divorce is just killing me inside.

On the other hand, living as i have been is also just killing me inside. i'm turning 30 this year, and we've been married for almost 6 years. Before that we dated for 5 years, through college and then i started my career for a couple of years before tying the knot. i thought that was the right thing to do at the time, to live alone for a while and figure out what i needed. i thought i needed him.

While we dated, we broke up once and i dated another guy. i was still in love with my now-husband, and we reconciled and have been together ever since. We've now setled into an "old married couple" existence. We hardly talk at all; any time i say something about what happened at work or with a family member, he becomes monosyllabic and i know he doesn't care. i have no friends; i'm the type of woman who has always related better to boys/men and my friends have always been boys/men, and since i'm married that doesn't really work out well. Plus he gets jealous even with women friends. i have a friend almost 2 hours away i see every few months, and a few acquaintances at work that i don't socialize with outside of work, and then his friends, which are also few. He never talks about his friends, or his family, or anything else, unless i act like i'm pulling teeth. i have friends online and that's about it, in reality.

He seems to control me, from the friend thing to everything else. Everything he ever wants, he gets. Which includes several expensive guitars that we couldn't really afford, but he'd get the money out of savings and then say he'll pay it back out of his "allowance" (we each get $100 per month blow money) and then never does pay it back. It took me 5 years to be allowed to get a cell phone, which i consider a necessity. More on that in a minute. i've gotten chewed out for buying a $20 book on how to make slipcovers because we were broke, but this was maybe 2 weeks after a $300 guitar purchase. Anything that ever happens that goes badly, it's my fault. Always. And if in reality he does something that's clearly undeniably his fault, i take it philosophically and just try to fix it. Like the ONE time i left my purse at a restaurant, realized it 2 blocks later, and went back and got it no harm no foul, he decided i shouldn't ever take my purse out on the weekends ("what do you need it for anyway? i pay the bill"). So i started leaving the purse in the car, until one day i wanted to buy something for $2 that he didn't want to pay for, and it started another fight and he decided i should carry my wallet in my pocket like a man. So, to keep the peace, i started doing that. Only he started washing my wallet in my jeans on Sunday night, because i couldn't remember to take it out before putting the jeans away. i have asked him over and over again not to wash my jeans without telling me so i have a chance to clean out the pockets. Last night he washed my wallet and my cell phone. So, it's dead, and i get yelled at. i mean literally yelled at, while i'm sitting in a cubicle at work and can't raise my voice, and he's telling me how angry he is, using curse words, etc. IMO it's at least half his fault, because i've told him again and again not to wash my jeans without me having a chance to clean them out. Plus of course he put me in that position by insisting i stop carrying my purse with me.

It's usually just easier for me to do what he wants rather than fight it. i never win anyway. The laundry thing, some of you may think "At least he does laundry". That's true, but he doesn't have a job. He lost his job before we were married and i was stupid enough to marry him anyway, thinking he was telling the truth when he said he would be the homemaker, except the house is a pit, i do all the cleaning, half the laundry, and half the grocery shopping, etc. It's terrible; i can't even invite people over, not that there's anyone to invite over lol, but i couldn't if i wanted to. And sure i could just clean it up myself, but i feel like he's already doing so little he should do something.

When we were married, he was going to be the stay-at-home-dad. Having one parent stay at home is important to me, and since his earning potential is way lower than mine, so i thought that would work out great. What i have come to realize as a dog-owner is that he'll be a terrible father. He has never grown up, and can never teach a boy to become a man. He gives the dogs no discipline, so that has to come from me. It's just not a good idea to have him be a father. Not that that's even an option at this point. i ask when he wants to think about starting a family. The first time shortly after we're married. He says, "Probably a couple of years" to give us the chance to be married for a while. Okay, i can handle that, it makes sense. Couple years later and i ask again. At that time i was having health problems, and he says, "At least a couple years" so we can see how my health is doing. Okay, i guess i can understand that, makes some sense. Now i ask and he says "At least a few more years" and there's nothing stopping us now. i'm not having the health problems, we've been married a while, we're not totally broke (though he likes us to think we are whenever it suits him and think we're not whenever he wants something), it's a perfect time to start a family. But no, he doesn't want to right now. And i wouldn't bring kids into a family where one parent didn't want one, at least not intentionally, and furthermore i'm realizing he'll A) never want kids and B) never do a good job raising them anyway, and C) never get a job so that i could raise them.

i have dealt with the rest, but i was born to be a mom. i REALLY want that for myself, and for my future kids. It's not that the biological clock is ticking, i just realize it's never going to happen. i'd be better off either possibly finding another husband or adopting for myself, rather than staying with him. The kids would probably be better off too.

But i feel so committed. i feel like anything other than staying would be a betrayal. i fear how i'll feel about myself if i leave him. Or, kick him out. i fear losing my house to a man who has made zero house payments. i fear losing my dogs to a man who will let them be rotten. i fear never finding someone, and never finding myself.


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PostPosted: February 21st, 2005, 8:54 pm 
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Joined: March 4th, 2004, 9:36 pm
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m.c.,
You mention your promise. Didn't your spouse make a promise also? Is he keeping it? Could anyone keep it in the fullest sense, if you don't love, honor and cherish yourself?

Dave

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PostPosted: February 22nd, 2005, 3:46 pm 
That's the comment everyone makes (is he keeping his promise), but even if he weren't (and of course that's up for debate, because he is staying married to me, etc, he just isn't doing the things i thought we had agreed on, so where is the promise "broken" exactly), two wrongs don't make a right. i can't control his actions (so i've discovered the hard way lol), i can only control my own. That's why this is so hard on me.


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PostPosted: February 22nd, 2005, 3:47 pm 
Oops, forgot to sign in.

P.S. THANK you for your comment. i hope it didn't sound like i was stomping it, i just don't know that it really fully answers the question.


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PostPosted: February 22nd, 2005, 7:33 pm 
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Joined: March 4th, 2004, 9:36 pm
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Anonymous wrote:
i hope it didn't sound like i was stomping it, i just don't know that it really fully answers the question.

I agree. I took care not to pose an answer, because I don't think this situation has a definitive answer.

But I'll try to be more concrete. You seem to focus entirely on the letter of your vows. You might also consider the presumptions under which they were made, e.g., that both parties would be dedicated to making the marriage work, not that one party would make the concessions while the other heaped abuse.

There is usually a point at which one party's violations of the spirit of a contract become so egregious as to place the other party at liberty to withdraw.

Dave

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PostPosted: February 24th, 2005, 2:41 pm 
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Joined: January 13th, 2004, 4:38 pm
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You don't make a promise like that in a vacuum. Wedding vows are less like a promise you make to someone than they are like an agreement. If he is breaching his end of the agreement then it becomes impossible, for all practical purposes, for you to uphold your end of the agreement.


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PostPosted: March 1st, 2005, 1:55 pm 
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Joined: March 1st, 2005, 12:20 pm
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You're young, you're being subjected to psychological abuse, you have no children. Get outta Dodge, now. Get a good therapist. Take up meditation.

In a perfect world good people would be good all the time. We'd be able to honor every promise and we'd make no mistakes. This is not a perfect world. You've only just begun to mourn. Let yourself, then move on.

I stared at my navel and wished things could be different for way too long. I don't want anyone else to make my mistakes.

Good luck.

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Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn. --C.S. Lewis


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PostPosted: September 6th, 2005, 7:44 pm 
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Joined: January 7th, 2004, 10:24 am
Posts: 97
Location: New York
I know this is a cold thread but you might want to check out:
http://groups.msn.com/NARCISSISTICPERSO ... home1.msnw

See how many of the symptoms are present in your husband. Your story sounds similar to my own except my husband worked and I stayed home, running a family daycare during the week and working as a mechanical artist on the weekend. He used to tell me since I did nothing (with two kids under three plus caring for six others each day) I couldn't buy anything without his permission. He never gave it, even when the kids needed shoes. I And he would come home with $400 shoes, and $200 trenchcoats once or twice a month, go on vacations by himslef (ha) and ridicule me every time he walked in the door.

If I'd know he had a severe personality disorder I wouldn't have been so hard on myself (and gave up most of what we had just to get out).

love to you during this time.

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