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PostPosted: December 2nd, 2004, 5:32 pm 
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Joined: August 1st, 2003, 9:52 am
Posts: 1874
This question was submitted anonymously to Angela Hoy. Please help her with advice if you can. :)

~~~~~

When do you really know that it is time to leave. That you will
leave and know that in your heart you may want to go back but it is not right. I want to know that I will not turn back.


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 Post subject: difficult decision
PostPosted: December 3rd, 2004, 4:32 pm 
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Joined: November 16th, 2004, 11:19 pm
Posts: 14
Location: USA
I can't speak for everyone but in my case, this is what happened...

I remember one day I was sitting on the edge of my bed in tears and feeling so distraught. I prayed outloud, "Lord, how will I know when it is finally time to say 'enough'? When will I know it's time to go?"

And without hesitation the answer that came into my mind was this, "when you can't take it anymore".

At that time I hadn't reached that point yet. But a few months later, I did. I knew in my heart that I could not go on that way anymore. Something had to be done. That is when I made the decision to leave. In my heart, even in those moments there was a weak part of me that remembered the good times and wanted them back, a part that thought, if he asks me to stay I might. But even then I knew that if I did, it would never work and I'd eventually end up still leaving.

It is a decision we are all faced with on an individual level. For me, I sometimes think waiting till that point might have been too long. By then the love had died and we had only shambles of a relationship, it was too late to fix anything. I think speaking up about the problems is crucial, way before you reach that point.

Once you have tried to talk it out, tried to make changes, tried to seek some help from outside support, once you have exhausted the avenues then you know that you can't do anything more then you already have.


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PostPosted: December 29th, 2004, 6:26 am 
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Joined: October 28th, 2004, 4:39 am
Posts: 39
If you feel physically, mentally and emotionally sick its time to leave.

If you are with an abuser, save precious years of your life, be strong and leave. See how you feel after youve left. If you feel at peace, then there is your answer you did the right thing.

I was with someone abusive for nine years. I am ashamed to say that it took me 5 full years of preparation to gather the inner gut to leave. When i did leave, it was as if a robot took over. I didnt think i just acted. It was as if the girl inside acted to save me.

He was very abusive for a long time. Being without him now is very peaceful for me.

How i knew it was the right decision, is that it feels more good than bad.


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PostPosted: December 29th, 2004, 6:30 am 
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Joined: October 28th, 2004, 4:39 am
Posts: 39
Even after you leave someone, you will always look back and still long for the good times, and wonder if you made the right choice.

I recently asked my sister this. I said, I dont know if i made the right choice. Then i realized that i think you never know.

You just have to go by how it feels. Being with him made me feel sick all the time. Being without him i feel healthy and strong. Obviously inspite of pangs of love feelings for him, leaving was the right choice.

Part of me also felt sorry for him, and still does, but that is fading. I care more about me now. You have to.


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PostPosted: December 29th, 2004, 6:33 am 
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Joined: October 28th, 2004, 4:39 am
Posts: 39
If you are scared to leave your partner, or fear you will regret your choice down the road. This is only a normal thing.

Suggest a trial separation. See how you feel in this time period.

This will help you to know and feel what the right choice is for you.

Most importantly, pay attention to how you feel, in each situation, and for every situation.

So many times, we ignore how we feel. But its the only real thing we can trust to guide us in the right direction.


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PostPosted: December 31st, 2004, 8:13 pm 
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Joined: December 15th, 2004, 7:47 pm
Posts: 17
Location: California
When I was struggling with the same issue, I remember talking to a friend and telling her, "I'm miserable, but I know I'm going to be miserable without him, too." My friend told me, "You don't leave a bad relationship to be happy. You leave for the opportunity to be happy in the future." No, it isn't an easy choice or an easy thing to do. And you won't be happy right away. You may be miserable. There will be times you miss him and remember the good times and wonder if you've made a mistake. But if you know in your heart the relationship isn't good for you, for your well-being, your self-esteem, your personal growth, then it's time to go. And while you won't be happy right away, with time and effort, you will be happy someday, much happier than you would have been had you stayed in a bad relationship.


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 Post subject: when to leave
PostPosted: January 5th, 2005, 4:41 pm 
I found that it's "time to leave" when you close your eyes and imagine being OUT of the relationship, and the thought makes you feel like you've just walked out of the rain and into the sun. That doesn't mean the next stages of the process will be easy...but once you've decided, it helps if you just refuse to think about it any more, just say, "I've decided and that's that," start walking and keep on going. When you're pressured by your ex, or family or friends, remind yourself about why you made the choice to go, and just keep walking. This too will pass, and years from now you'll be glad, very glad, you made your decision and stuck to it.


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PostPosted: January 8th, 2005, 1:24 pm 
After ten months of separation I was asking myself that same question. It's complicated to say the least. I felt my head and heart were in conflict. My head was saying, I can't live like this anymore. I need a divorce. But my heart was saying, that can't be the right choice. We love each other. We'd been together since we were 16 and married 24 years. Which reminds me of Estelle Getty, Sophia on the Golden Girls, when asked about her 36 year marriage. She said, "Just because you've been doing something for a long time, doesn't mean you've been doing it well". Divorce is often compared to death. Which is appropriate. Something did die, a marriage. It was very difficult to walk away from the memories and the life I once a had.

I describe that ten month separation as a roller coaster ride through hell. It was killing me, physically and emotionally. I kept saying to myself, some one has to do something. I was shocked to learn that someone had to be me. I felt I was living in limbo. I didn't want to give up the past, but knew it was too late and I couldn't go back. I was terrified of going forward alone. I moved out of my parents house the day I got married. I'd never been on my own. Living in limbo is no kind of life. I finally decided I had no other choice but to go forward. Which was the right decision for me. That was six years ago. It hasn't always been easy, but I'm strong and independent. I've had experiences and adventures I wouldn't have missed for the world.

Whatever you decide to do, please don't do it alone. Reach out to your family, friends and a good psychologist. Or even me. Feel free to ask me anything.

It isn't easy finding our path through life. I guess it's not supposed to be.


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PostPosted: January 28th, 2005, 7:29 pm 
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Joined: January 28th, 2005, 4:09 pm
Posts: 38
Location: Cheyenne, WY
Why do you know it's time to leave?

I knew it was time when I realized my two year old never spoke around "Daddy" - never said a single word! When I was being accused of being a bad mother and a horrible person and a lot of other things that have never applied to me... when all of our "mutual friends" suddenly had the (grossly erroneous) idea that I was doing awful, self-destructive things... when I got fired from my job for being late every single day (thanks to his insistence on starting fights as I was walking out the door)... when I developed the intense fear that he was going to drown our son in the bathtub...

You deserve to be happy. This means that if you aren't happy, and someone is working against your happiness, you need to leave. There's always the chance that leaving will bring about change, but that is something to never be counted on.

Once you leave, it takes more strength to stay put and not go back than it does to face the situation again (familiar and bad is less scary than unfamiliar and maybe okay). The more perspective you get, the better your chances of making it in the long run.

And, although I know I'll probably get flamed for this, LOVE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT! I love my dog, but I wouldn't marry him. I love my kids, but that doesn't mean I won't discipline them when they've done something wrong. I love my husband, but if he's setting out to hurt me and doesn't stop after I've asked him to, loving him does not mean that I won't get out of the situation to preserve my children.

The first time is the hardest, but just imagine the badge of honor you earn in doing it...

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Only those that attempt the absurd, achieve the impossible.


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PostPosted: March 11th, 2011, 1:32 am 
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Joined: March 11th, 2011, 1:06 am
Posts: 2
describe that ten month separation as a roller coaster ride through hell. It was killing me, physically and emotionally. I kept saying to myself, some one has to do something. I was shocked to learn that someone had to be me. I felt I was living in limbo. I didn't want to give up the past, but knew it was too late and I couldn't go back. I was terrified of going forward alone. I moved out of my parents house the day I got married. I'd never been on my own. Living in limbo is no kind of life. I finally decided I had no other choice but to go forward. Which was the right decision for me. That was six years ago. It hasn't always been easy, but I'm strong and independent. I've had experiences and adventures I wouldn't have missed for the world.

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