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 Post subject: Tell that slut
PostPosted: September 10th, 2004, 10:32 pm 
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Joined: January 7th, 2004, 5:15 pm
Posts: 22
Location: Way up North
The abuse continues after each visit my children have with their father. Each time they come they come with a message that begins with "tell that slut".
This time it was 1. How many men has that slut had in her bed 2. Tell that f-ing slut that she needs to quit f-ing so many men. 3. Tell that slut my friend hates her f-ing guts 4. Ask that slut she is doing with the child support I pay her. 5. Tell that slut that I need more clothes for you kids at my house. (I buy two separate wardrobes. One for his home and one for mine)

What or how do you answer your children? They know its not true. They know I have and have had only one consistant boyfriend for many months who am now engaged to.

This evening I did start crying in a store when the kids were telling me these things. Tonight I spent another hard earned 34.00 on personal supplies for the kids such as deoderant to have and keep at his house. He makes the oldest wear his left over used deoderant. I also had to buy them nail clippers because their dad tells them that he can not afford them. He does not return them in socks or underwear and when he does its the wrong sizes. I do my best to be humble and provide for the kids in two households when he makes twice as much money as I do, but I am still THE SLUT. I try to treat him with kindness and respect to make it easier for the kids when they are with him. AND YET I am still the slut. There is no pleasing this man.


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 Post subject: slut
PostPosted: September 10th, 2004, 10:40 pm 
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Joined: April 29th, 2004, 8:49 pm
Posts: 3632
Location: God's country
No, there is no pleasing him because for him the game is for him to never be pleased and for you to play the role of the slut. See my previous post about what I think could be an intervention with you. And the sooner the better so that the kids can have some coping skills for dealing with him. Keep a journal/document of things like this each time the children come home. Date it.


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 Post subject: "tell that slut..."
PostPosted: September 12th, 2004, 2:48 pm 
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Joined: September 9th, 2004, 2:31 pm
Posts: 6
Location: Rocky Mountains, CO
Keep telling the kids none of this is their fault. Unfortunately they feel "if something is wrong with mom, something is wrong with me, because I am her kid." It's dad's issue, not anybody else's. Is it in your divorce agreement that you have to buy stuff for his house? (for the kids) Why doesn't he get the wardrobe for his house? Because he pays you support? (probably not enough) Don't buy into a guilt thing that you are not doing enough for your kids. I send one clean outfit and I want it back. I bet you wish you were really having all the fun you are accused of. Chin up.


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PostPosted: September 13th, 2004, 1:46 pm 
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Joined: January 7th, 2004, 5:15 pm
Posts: 22
Location: Way up North
I have and had been trying to purchase always a second wardrobe for the kids. It kept him off my back. It says nothing in the divorce decree about doing this. I want my kids to know that I am not the bad person he says I am. This way when he asks the kids what I am doing with his child support they can tell him "Look dad we are wearing clothes mom bought us for your house". Maybe I am still trying to please him. Its too scary not to. It also keeps him off my back for a while. However I have a sense of self loathing when I bow to him. There are days when I wish that getting on my hands and knees and begging him to stop would be enough. My middle child spent the whole day in his room on Sat because he was so upset with all the messages that they were told to give me from their dad. On Sunday he/she must have worked through it and talked to me about it and once it was off his chest he was much happier.
Apparently my ex and his mother keep a journal of ALL my boyfriends. (In 2 1/2 years I have met and associated with 4 different men and dated ONE for two years)They ask the kids each time they have them who was in your mothers bed who is she sleeping with now?
Previously my oldest got sick of the question and said yeah dad she has three men in her bed at a time. He then listed all of my sons names. (He was only 10 when he came up with that one).
Gosh if only I were doing the things my ex was saying .... I should do a bumper sticker something that says: "Trying to live up to the reputation my ex-husband gave me."
I would be one busy girl if I were the person he says I am Ah but instead I am quite boring. Working one job sometimes two and doing my best to raise my kids by being a good example.


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PostPosted: September 16th, 2004, 5:53 pm 
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Joined: September 9th, 2004, 11:02 am
Posts: 51
I'm not sure abut the laws in your country, but where I come from having children deliver messages like that is abuse. You need to make a complaint so that it's on record.


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 Post subject: Re: Tell that slut
PostPosted: September 16th, 2004, 11:59 pm 
Hi there, like someone else just said it is wrong, and may be abuse, to send messages back to the other parent through children. In fact in my state, if that's going on, the court will usually change the custody and or visiting agreement from the divorce. For example if the parent who had physical custody was the one sending the messages, then there is a good chance that parent may have their custody rights taken away. In your case, perhaps they would take away his visitation priviledges or only allow them to be supervised visits.

So just like the other person said, report this to the court, or if you have an attorney, and don't send messages back to him through the children (I'm sure you don't, but just in case you feel like saying, well tell your dad...).

I wasn't able to read through the vast amount of replies in your similar post before this one. But it also sounds to me like he is continuing a cycle of abuse with you, by demeaning you and questioning everything you do. Even if you did have gobs of boyfriends it isn't any of his concern is it? If you're not already, I would strongly recommend you get in touch with a local domestic violence group. I went to group therapy for victims/ survivors for several months, and for the most part it was very helpful. Also just sharing with an individual at one of the agencies may give you many resources for your divorce and custody and all with these abusive remarks he is making through the children.

On top of this with the grandparents making those lists, it is also against the rules (don't know if it's a law) here that you can not grill or question the children about the other parent. So they are all doing stuff they're not supposed to, and you do need to let the authorities for these areas know about all of this.

Hang in there!


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 Post subject: Re: Tell that slut
PostPosted: September 17th, 2004, 8:37 am 
tiredoftears wrote:
The abuse continues after each visit my children have with their father. Each time they come they come with a message that begins with "tell that slut".
This time it was 1. How many men has that slut had in her bed 2. Tell that f-ing slut that she needs to quit f-ing so many men. 3. Tell that slut my friend hates her f-ing guts 4. Ask that slut she is doing with the child support I pay her. 5. Tell that slut that I need more clothes for you kids at my house. (I buy two separate wardrobes. One for his home and one for mine)
How on earth do you put up with such crap? There are more ways of skinning a cat than just one!
What or how do you answer your children? They know its not true. They know I have and have had only one consistant boyfriend for many months who am now engaged to.

This evening I did start crying in a store when the kids were telling me these things. Tonight I spent another hard earned 34.00 on personal supplies for the kids such as deoderant to have and keep at his house. He makes the oldest wear his left over used deoderant. I also had to buy them nail clippers because their dad tells them that he can not afford them. He does not return them in socks or underwear and when he does its the wrong sizes. I do my best to be humble and provide for the kids in two households when he makes twice as much money as I do, but I am still THE SLUT. I try to treat him with kindness and respect to make it easier for the kids when they are with him. AND YET I am still the slut. There is no pleasing this man.
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