I know this is the divorce support group, so if I am in the wrong place, forgive me! But I am a devoted reader (writer) of Writers weekly and feel as if there are friendly people here who want to help.

I have got to leave my boyfriend of 2 years. Not long, but we have lived together the entire time, I was able to put him on my insurance as my domestic partner. I have worked 2 jobs while he stayed home "trying" to start his own business but doing a better job of destroying my couch! :) I have paid everything during this time (I was stupid, I know, but I wanted to support his dream) and lately he has become verbally and (starting to be) physically abusive. I think he is bi-polar (he's a Jekyll and Hyde) and I cannot stand up for myself or argue over ANYTHING without him screaming and blaming me for everything, etc etc.

His unwillingness to get help for us is not my reason for posting, (boy it feels good to tell somebody, though!!) but he is making it very difficult to gather my things (an entire household melted into his) and we now have a wonderful dog who he says I cannot have. She belongs with me - I cannot stand the thought of him turning his abusive behavior towards her. She is in my name, fortunately but I am afraid to just take her for fear he will "flip out" and cause me and the dog harm. I do not want any police involvement, just some legal ammo so he knows he cannot control this entire situation.

I am trying to do this very amicably, but the eggshells are cracking! Do any of you know if I have any legal rights? What would I have to do to be able to get all my things without him destroying them first so I can't have them? Right now I feel somewhat punished for not getting married so now I have no where to turn for help, but thank god I didnt, and thank god there are no kids involved.

I'm rambling, but am hoping you get my question. Any help/advice would be so appreciated!

-Cat

Cat,

I'm so sorry you're having to go through all this. Tough way to learn some hard lessons.

I'm not an expert in this field, but if you think you and your dog are in danger, you both need to get away from this guy, as soon as possible! Is there a relative or close friend nearby you can stay with? (I hope your dog is small enough to stay indoors, except for potty breaks!)

Once you're both safely away, you can start dealing with the legal issues of getting him out of your house/apartment. You may not be able to avoid getting the police involved, but even restraining orders don't mean much to a deranged loser. That's why I would also seriously consider buying some personal protection, learning how to use it, and getting a concealed carry permit (if they're available in your state).

You might also call your local battered women's shelter, and ask for their advice. They won't care whether you're married or not.

Willow (See the "Being Abuse(d)" thread in this section) is a psychotherapist who has written a book on dealing with dangerous men. I would ask her for advice, as well.

Good luck!

_________________
Please spay or neuter your companion animals.
And when it's time to add to your four-legged family, adopt from your local shelter or rescue group.

First off, if he is being physically abusive you need GET OUT NOW!!! Nothing in the house is worth the risk to your life. Take the dog and GO!

Then, you have to resolve yourself to the necessity of police involvement. I know that's not what you want, but that is how these kinds of things end up. If he is being physically abusive then it is long past the point where you can reason with him and settle this amicably. He is using force and you are going to have to use force in response. The difference is that you will use the force of the law.

Talk to an attorney. Get a restraining order against him. Then get the sheriff to forcibly evict him. I know it doesn't sound fun, but in the end this is what you're going to have to do. Better to start the process right now.

Good luck.

As a pychotherapist who worked with abused women, let me say this: The most danger is at the time you are trying to leave. The most dangerous of men are those who are pathological or have a mental illness. This is the reason human service agencies exist is to help people out SAFELY. You need to begin to develop a paper trail that will support your rights in court. To do that, you need an agency who is doing the paper trail. Contact your DV agency and utlizie them. They understand how to exit safely and can advise you thru the process. If you even THINK he is bi-polar, you are at a grave disadvantage as yes, they do get CRAZY when you try to leave. The DV agency will help you develop a safety plan to insure not only your safety but your SUCCESS. Willow

(See my book "How to Spot a Dangerous Man" due out Nov 2004 to see HOW this happened to you and to prevent future selections of similiar types of men.)

Thank you all so much for responding. Well, I may have wanted to do it quietly and as amicably as possible, but he made my choice for me:

Yesterday morning I woke up to him screaming at me for "breaking the door" (I came home, pushed on the door, felt a LITTLE resistance, pushed a little harder and it opened. I figured it was just stuck on the rug). I told him I didn't know what he was talking about. He walked out of the room, and came back with a workboot and proceeded to beat me with it! Then it was all fists and feet and psycho eyes. He wanted me to shut up,and "listen to him" but I was so pissed off that he was losing it again when he swore up and down that he knew it was wrong and must get some help for his obviously chemically imbalanced brain - that I COULD NOT shut up and just lay there so it continued until I left with visible bruises and lacerations on my neck and my head was throbbing, so went to my brother's, since my mother's house was full of company (family who were all here for a big party we had last weekend) - I just wanted some comfort, which he is great for. Well, once I told him what happened he jumped up, grabbed my other brother and we all went to the house to get my things. I did NOT want to call the police, I just wanted to get my stuff, and be gone. My brothers were really good once we got there, oh they yelled at Dan pretty good for hitting their sister but did not go after him becuase they didnt want to wind up in trouble too. Dan was calmer, however during the 45 minutes we were there he paced around, muttering things under his breath and while I was upstairs, I heard my older brother say, "What, are you going to kill me with that?" then I heard Dan say yeah - I ran down the stairs to see him with a huge machete we use for hiking and such and he had stabbed it into the wall. My brothers continued to help me get some stuff and we left. As soon as we got home they called the police and we had to go down for statements and pictures of my injuries. It was a horrible experience, but I had to do it for my brothers who risked their lives for me and asked me if I wanted this to happen to someone else. My boyfriend really showed his unstability yesterday!

So just got off the phone with the sheriff - they only gave him an appearance ticket because he was very cooperative when they went to arrest him and was back home within 2 hours. I must admit I was more worried about him than mad after all of this and all I want is for him to get some help. I was hoping that this would be a wake up call and that he would have to go for mandatory therapy or something.

Right now all is in a state of confusion, but I feel very hopeful for the future, and sad that our lives are forever changed because of his illness that does not allow him to see things for what they really are.

Thanks again for your support - I've appreciated it.
Cat

I'm glad your brothers called the police. You say that he needs help. Well, you need help TOO!!! You are worrying about him when you should be worrying about yourself. I mean, the man beat you with a boot and you STILL didn't want to call the police!?! You are clearly in a state of denial about him, his problem, and the degree of danger that you are in! I can only hope that your brothers will continue to look out for you until you get the professional help that you need to get you on track with looking out for yourself.

Please! Go see a counselor!

There is a correlation between women who worry about 'what will happen to their partners that abuse them' and how many of them end up BACK with him for all their "worry about him." The more you focus on him, the more likely it is you will be back there shortly.

You all have taken the time to write back on my current drama, and I thank you! I hear what you are saying and realize what I've left out - which is about me:

I am a professional career woman with very high self esteem, something he has never been able to break through. I know that I am worthy of much much more and plan to get it - I have a wonderful family who thinks as highly of me as I do them, and I have been there for them through their hard times, this time it was my turn. I realize I have made a mistake in choosing a 2 year relationship which revolved around HIM, and that it was based on me "rescuing" him and trying to help him keep that feeling of being "the happiest he's ever been". This is something I always do, I am a peace-keeper, always trying to fix everything for everybody so all are happy. This is wrong, and I am going to go to therapy and find out WHY I pick men who do not hold me in the highest regard and want the best for me...No, I am NOT going back, I am not stupid or frail or feel that I need a man to make me feel secure or needed. There are many things I have learned from this experience and I do NOT want to repeat them. I am an even-keeled, sunny person who was trying to bring someone dark into the light. My mistake. I realize that no one can do for him, he must do it himself.

In my honesty of writing in this forum, yes I am worried about him, but not wanting to get police involved was for ME, not him. This is another problem I have in that I absolutely HATE being the center of such drama, and am so embarrassed by the whole neighborhood knowing my business (even though I'm sure they all applauded when they arrested him) but I did it, the point was made, that you CANNOT treat anyone in such a way without consequences and all I want in return for loving him and taking care of him for 2 years is that he will get help (mandated if necessary) and finally realize that that is exactly what I did. I have seen this sort of thing happen to friends in the past and I was always the one saying "why are you putting up with that! He has no right - get out!" It is quite different being on the other end, isn't it?

Anyway, I appreciate your comments and just wanted you to know that I will get help for myself and never find myself in this situation EVER again.
Cat

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Cathleen

Cat,

You know all the right words to say, but I'm not sure you've internalized them.

I hope you will, and I hope you'll never put yourself into a position like this again.

By the way, who has the dog, and how is s/he?

Again, best of luck.

-- Nancy

P.S. I have been in a similar situation. My first marriage was to a man who was clinically diagnosed (after we were married) as a pathological liar. At one point, when I caught him in a huge lie, he flew into a rage and came at me with his fist held high, as if he were about to strike me.

I don't know where my calmness came from, but I just sat there as he approached, not flinching. When he was about a foot away from me, I said, without raising my voice, 'If you ever lay so much as one finger on me in anger, I will either kill you or die trying.'

His response was, "Oh, is that so?!?"

I said, 'Yes, that's so.'

He lowered his fist and left our apartment, and he never again tried to physically abuse me.

_________________
Please spay or neuter your companion animals.
And when it's time to add to your four-legged family, adopt from your local shelter or rescue group.

Glad you are out. Do pursue counseling to get to the bottom, ONCE AND FOR ALL, how this happened. While I read your profile of yourself in the last post, many women are professional women (and even in care-giving fields who should 'know better') yet still fall into relationships. In my book How to Spot a Dangerous Man, I make it clear that ALL women do this. It's not socio-economic, education, or anything else. Infact, MOST of the women involved with my research were professionals--making it all the harder on themselves because they thought they should have "seen it coming." Lots of profiles of women and their backgrounds are available in the book. The reason why women date 4-5 dangerous men before they change their patterns is they dont bother to get to the bottom of their patterns which is alot deeper than mere over-the-shoulder reflecting.

Invest in your future by investing in counseling! Then go on and have a damn happy life!

You need to check the laws which apply in your state or province. You may be shocked to find that your partner has rights which you did not dream of. In Manitoba, for example, a partner has the same standing as a spouse after having lived with you for at least one year. Because of the no-fault divorce law, at separation, he has the right to 50% of your earnings during the time you were together. He even has the right to 50% of the pension benefits which you earned during that time. You would also be required to pay the legal bills resulting from the separation.

The law is mad, but that is what came into effect here just this year. A few women knew about it ahead of time and got rid of their live-in partners in time to save them the financial drain, but the great majority had no idea it was coming, and they are now stuck.

So be careful to check. You can get the information from a lawyer for free.

But by all means, protect yourself from abuse first of all.

This is not problem at all

_________________
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http://www.international-calling.info/ - International calling codes

indigodawn is right. In South Carolina we have common law marriage. you are considered husband and wife if you live with each other for so long. Then to get out of it you are suppose to go through an actual divorce procedure. Please be careful in however you decide to deal with this guy. I wish you the best of luck.