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 Post subject: Being abuse?
PostPosted: July 12th, 2004, 5:05 am 
I just began the divorce process 3-19-04. Married 7 yrs, husband is a 42 yr old alchoholic physcian who was having an affair w/ a 22 yr old co-worker. He is dx: w/ ADD and possibly Narcisstic personality traits. He has been suicidal for 30+ yrs. Admitted to his therapist and even stated that on 3-15-04 he got a gun out and contemplataed following through but his therapist has never dx him w/ depression.!?! Husband slapped my hand 1x, picked me up and dropped me on the floor 1x (he walked to the closet- were the guns are- but just turned on that light), and most recently was shoving at my shoulder as I was carrying our 3 yr old son down the steps. he has talked about killing me but only once actually stated to me that he WILL kill me. His father was alchoholic, physcian, committed adultry, was back in the home for a visit with the children and committed suicide in front of my husband (when he was 9). - I contemplated leaving the realtionship many times over the past 2 years (due to his drinking, verbal aggression, lack of involvment w/ family, constant irritability and apathy, ongoing suicidal ideations and recent increase of physical aggression -poking at my head w/ his fingers and above mentioned). He finally agreed to therapy but continually minimized his drinking and verbal agression. (He was reprimanded 3 x at his work for verbal hostility w/ nurses- so his difficulties began spilling over to other areas of his life outside of our home.) All physical incidentes occurred in front of my 3 yr old son. The last incident (continual shoving and statements by him-'so do you want a rise out of me, is this what you want, well you've got it) occurred after I found a bloody tampon in the back seat of his new hummer, confronted the affair I've suspected for the past 2 yrs and told him I did want a divorce. He agreed to the divorce stating he was in love w/ his new young girlfriend. A freind on the phone heard his statement (while shoving me 3-19-04) and recogized he was trying to agitate me into a physical confrontation. The police were called. He stated to the police officer that he would committ suicide if it would undo the affair. Husband committed to psy unit for evaluation and released that night. I obtained a PFA at the polices recommendation. Husband was placed on supervised visitation with our children (age 3 and 7 months) The county visitation program did not have any openings for the past 3 months so friends and relatives had to provide the visitation. All stopped doing so due to not wanting to be involved and busy lives of their own. Husbnd has only seen our children 7 x in the pat 3 months due to lack of availabale supervisors. We have our first Custody Hearing Aug 3. My husband just got a new attorney who is very well known nationally. My husband reportedly has been sober since March 19th although will not attend a treatment program. He does continue in outpt tx w/ his psychologist wkly. My attorney does not know if the judge will continue supervised visits. The county program just called us with an opening. I had an interview mid june- husband early july and they still have not set up the actual visitation schedule and do not expect to do so until late july. As a psychologist I am concerned that our children have had little contact with their father. Inspite of our adult difficultes I do recognize that the children need a father. Over the past 2 years and have been ambivalent about leaving the marriage and the damage divorce does to children. Thus, limited contact w/ the father was a concern for me. Following a recent phone contact - which I agreed to provide for my son to his father- my husband began talking about trying to use mediation instead of attorneys, he spoke of his on going sobriety, began owning some of his behaviors and shared some insights he was learning in therapy, again (as he initailly did immediately following our separation) began expressing interest in reconciliation. He also happended to mention that he and his new attorney had talked about trying to get full custody and proving me an unfit mother stating I was suffering from divorce psychosis because I lost almost 10 lbs. He also stated he is going to sue me for 'significant finacial damage' due to the disposal of a small statute that his father had made while alive and is now gone. Ture the statue was disposed of post separation. He spoke of 'sharpening his sword' with this new attorney and stated he was preparing to do battle. Stated that his old attorney was passive and he had not even tried to fight me yet. Stated that once this process gets started there will be no turning back and we will both get really hurt. I was already scared about the divorce process, fearful of financial implications -I am a stay at home mom with no income. I had previously considered using mediation. I had discussed w/ my family that I was tired of fighting- we have been to court for the temporary pfa, then for the full pfa, 2 family business courts for custody conference, 1 business court for a support conference, one cancelled court for harassment charges against him which I dropped if he agreed to pay 5k of my attorney fees- he initially agreed, we dropped the charges, then he stated that there were other contingencies and he did not pay. ..a month and a half later he has now paid the full 5 k. I am aware that the courts will not keep him on supervised visitation. So.....I agreed to meet with him in a public restaurant to discuss 1) use of mediation 2) stop the attorneys from allowing us to destroy each other and collect all the money and 3) to provide the children a visit w/ their father that I supervised. he asked that I meet at his townhouse so he could show me his place and see where the children would be /have been when he has had a visitation. I toured the place and we immediately departed for the restaurant. All went well. However, I now fear that my willingness to meet with him (even though I have a PFA against him) and my willingness to provide a supervised visit for him outside of the supervised we agreed to in the custody conference- will be used against me. Was I set up? Did he psychologically manipulate me ?-?- threaten me with financial devistation and threats to have the children removed from my care - so I would give him more contact w/ the children. I do not know if I am being set up. I was very clear w/ him that even though I had contemplated the pros and cons of reconciliation I am currently interested in continuing w/ the divorce. He agreed that even though we may continue to discuss this option that we should proceed w/ the divorce process in a manner that would miminize the amount of emotional damage to all parties (us and the children) ie mediation. I do not fully trust that he is genuine. He suggested state that we not tell anyone that we meet to discuss this. Somehow I feel that if I tell my attorney I had this meeting that my attorney will be angry and not continue to help me. I fear the attorney will be angry if I use mediation. I think the attorney will be angry that I meet w/ steve after we went through all that work to get the PFA and that I risked my safety to provide a visation that I was not required to provide. Did I make a huge legal mistake? Was I manipulated? Am I thinking clearly that mediation should be attempted or does my husband just have me running scared and controlling me again? Should I tell my attorney of our meeting? He my hasband trying to convince me to keep our meeting a secret so he can tell his attorney and then in court he will bring it out and my attorney will be clueless as to what is going on? So many questions. PLease Please advise me. Our pretrial hearing is in 1 1/2 weeks.

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: July 12th, 2004, 12:54 pm 

Joined: January 13th, 2004, 4:38 pm
Posts: 426
No offense, but this is just too much to digest. Sentences and paragraphs would help, and distilling it down to the core question/issue would, too.

But if your basic question is whether or not you are being abused, I would say that if you THINK you are then you almost certainly ARE. If any physical hitting is occurring then there is no question--that is abuse and you need to GET OUT!

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: July 12th, 2004, 7:01 pm 
Disclose everything to your attorney. I'm not an expert but it does sound as though your husband is trying to manipulate you.

It doesn't matter if your attorney is angry - *you* are his employer. As for making legal mistakes, your attorney will have to advise from there. I'd say your husband may know more about this than you assume, so tread lightly where he is concerned. Do what your attorney says, to the letter, since he gives your advice for a specific purpose. If you don't want to take his advice, there's no reason to pay him.

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: July 12th, 2004, 7:03 pm 

Joined: July 11th, 2004, 3:54 pm
Posts: 14
*pointing above*

That was me. Forgot to log in. Hate it when that happens.

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard,' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'. --Sydney Harris

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 Post subject: Abuse
PostPosted: July 12th, 2004, 7:50 pm 

Joined: April 29th, 2004, 8:49 pm
Posts: 3632
Location: God's country
As a psychotherapist who worked with abused women, let me say this:

1. Yes, you are being abused.
2. Yes, you are being manipulated.
3. No, do not trust anything he is currently saying.
4. Yes, tell your atty everything. His anger is not your issue, your divorce is.
5. Utilize your local domestic violence agency so that the court advocate can advise you and so you have a place to talk about how "crazy" you feel thru this process.
6. The length of your email alone indicates you need a safe place to talk. Thru the DV agency, they have support groups you could attend. You need the insight of this agency. They can help you in court!!
7. If your husband is diagnosed Narcissistic Personality Disorder, that is a defined level of pathology. It indicates he will not change, his trust worthiness is minimal, and it may help you in court that he is "pathological."

(See my book How to Spot a Dangerous Man--due out the fall of 2004).

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