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PostPosted: January 31st, 2004, 6:16 pm 
I'm asking my husband to leave because he's emotionally abused me during our entire marriage and has been physically abusive to me lately. I provoked his hostility, but never imagined he'd hurt me like this. I didn't call the police because our children were present and I didn't want to add that horrible memory to their precious little brains. It's bad enough they had to see him hurt me. I'm afriad he'll do the same to them, so I have to ask him to leave. I just hope I have the courage to say the words when the time actually comes. My best friend and her husband will be here when it happens, so support and protection will be there. I'm just worried about what the next few months will have in store.


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PostPosted: February 4th, 2004, 3:56 pm 
This post has been removed and the poster banned.

This was obviously a woman hater - probably a wife-beater, who was frequenting the board. Please oh please email us when someone says something inappropriate so we can ban them.

Angela (at) writersweekly.com


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 Post subject: I'm sorry . . .
PostPosted: February 4th, 2004, 9:36 pm 
::tears::

He tells me I provoke him, so I believe it.

::tears::

I tell him I need to complete an assignment in order to meet a deadline . . . he nearly breaks my hand because he'd rather use the computer to play cards.

::tears::

I tell him I could use his help with the kids and around the house in order to better serve my clients (he doesn't work during the week -- only weekends) and he nearly breaks my wrists when I attempt to walk away from him . . .

::tears::

I guess I am the horrible human being he's set me up to be. And, the reply to this post further justifies that I have no business being a wife or mother.

::tears::


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 Post subject: That was too harsh.
PostPosted: February 5th, 2004, 2:01 pm 
Guest, that was too harsh. People come here for help. Understand that it's difficult to express sarchasm when posting to a message board. It's clear to me that shesawriter2 was being sarchastic when stating the violence was provoked.


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 Post subject: provocation
PostPosted: February 5th, 2004, 4:26 pm 
Most victims of abuse, at some point along the way, believe they provoked the hostility. Sometimes this may be true. Most of the time it is not. Regardless of whether it was provoked or not, though, physical abuse IS NEVER ACCEPTABLE, OR DESERVED!!!

First, shesawriter2, you need to get out. You need to get away from the abuse. Provocation or not, you MUST not allow yourself to be physically abused. GET OUT NOW!

Once away from the abuse and the abuser, you need to critically examine your own behavior to see whether or not you truly were provoking him. You will probably need help with this. A well-trusted friend can work, but a professional is usually better. If you truly were provoking him then you will need to address that issue, or you will never be able to have a loving, trusting relationship with anyone.

Good luck!


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 Post subject: Filing a police report
PostPosted: February 16th, 2004, 10:30 pm 
Do you know that abusive husbands are being advised by their attorneys to report their wives to the police then file a restraining order before the wife can do so? This causes the wife to become a double victim, and places them in a situation where they can loose custody of their children, get evicted from their home, have financial aid refused and even serve jail time. It seems that the system has provided abusive people a “get out of jail free card” just by being the first to file a complaint whether the abuse occurred or not. The answer is clear: file the complaint first and don’t give your spouse any indication that you are doing so.


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 Post subject: call the police first
PostPosted: February 18th, 2004, 1:37 pm 
Well, it's pretty sleazy of lawyers to advise abusive husbands to report their wives, but in other situations (and in this situation, for the wife) it is very good advice. Get in a fender bender? Be the first to call the police and report it. Drawn into a bar fight? Get on the phone right away and be the first to report it. Have a spat with a neighbor that seems to be turning nasty? Better for you if you report it to the police before they do.

The reason is pretty simple. To the police, the first person to call is the 'victim' and the other person involved is the 'suspect.' And in any dealings with the authorities you do not want to be the 'suspect.' It's really that simple.

So, for an abused spouse, the best advice is to call the police and report it as soon as possible the very first time it happens. Then, get out!


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: March 29th, 2004, 8:52 pm 
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Joined: March 29th, 2004, 8:04 pm
Posts: 453
Location: The back of beyond
Quote:
Once away from the abuse and the abuser, you need to critically examine your own behavior to see whether or not you truly were provoking him.


Provoking him???? Please. Abuse is never, ever acceptable in any situation. Nearly all abusers blame the victim for their behavior. They also often call the victim's siblings, parents, etc and try to convince them that the victim is at fault.

BUT the bottom line is this: There is NO EXCUSE for being abusive to another human being. NONE.

Shesawriter2, you are a victim. Don't feel guilty for his behavior; you can't control him. Just get out. He'll keep trying to manipulate you afterward, too; he'll either blame you or say he can't live without you or threaten suicide. Just stick to your guns. HUGS!

_________________
I'll write your book proposal so you don't have to!


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PostPosted: April 26th, 2004, 9:39 pm 
Thank you, TDavis! I appreciate you coming to my defense like that!

I've been "out" of the relationship since March 1st and out of the house since April 12th (starting clean). And, you're right, he's being very manipulative with the "I can't live without you" and "I won't give up on us" stuff. It's aggravating and sometimes makes me feel guilty, but it's not enough to make me go back. He seems to think I will (maybe because I was weak enough to stay with him for so long in the first place), but I'm not.


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 Post subject: I'd forgotten too....
PostPosted: May 7th, 2004, 11:05 pm 
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Joined: March 29th, 2004, 8:04 pm
Posts: 453
Location: The back of beyond
Good for you....stay strong! I've been away from my ex for 13 years. I am now ~one strong woman~ and am teaching my daughters to be savvy and strong as well.

Hang in there!

_________________
I'll write your book proposal so you don't have to!


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 Post subject: not alone
PostPosted: August 23rd, 2004, 12:33 am 
I wanted you to know that you are not alone. I left my emotionally abusive husband April 7th. Since then he tells me he has changed, and that he won't give up on this marriage. The next day he says that if I leave it is me that is destroying our marriage and breaking up a family. I know it is hard, but we will survive our situations. One day these memories will fade and not hurt so bad.


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 Post subject: abused daughter
PostPosted: August 26th, 2004, 11:46 pm 
My daugter won't leave because she fears for the safety of 1 year old child. Our parish
not helpful in domestic violence situations. He is almost guaranteed to recieve joint custody. she stays because he is too young to tell her about any abuse he may begin to suffer. I came out of an abusive family. I can hardly stand to sit by and do nothing, but have no idea how to help!


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 Post subject: Re: abused daughter
PostPosted: September 6th, 2004, 7:13 am 
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Joined: January 11th, 2004, 11:58 am
Posts: 435
Location: Tennessee
mom wrote:
My daugter won't leave because she fears for the safety of 1 year old child. Our parish
not helpful in domestic violence situations. He is almost guaranteed to recieve joint custody. she stays because he is too young to tell her about any abuse he may begin to suffer. I came out of an abusive family. I can hardly stand to sit by and do nothing, but have no idea how to help!


Mom,
Take her to lunch, sit her down and tell her everything that you can about your abusive relationship. Tell her the 'little' things that happened that didn't seem like anything to anyone and what they led to. Educate her as much as you can in one lunch sitting. She won't want to hear it and won't want to listen. But now is the time for some of that 'tough love' you have heard about.
This may not work right away but, with any luck, will sit in the back of her mind and work its magic.
In the mean time try to hang in there and do not abandon her when she needs you. Be there when she is ready to leave him.

_________________
Write Angle
Honesty. Integrity. Simple.
http://writeangle.netfirms.com


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